The Aftermath AU
by ObsessedRomantic
Summary: Sequel to AU story 'The Dearly Unloved', 2nd in the Townwood Exit universe. Actions have consequences, and breakups have fallout. Will the Cohens plus one be able to recover?
1. Kaitlyn

**The Aftermath**

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything to do with anything you recognize. Just writing for my own entertainment and that of my fellow fans.

**Summery/Spoiler: ** Everything up to The Dearly Beloved' where I go AU with it. Sequel to The Dearly Unloved'. Picking it up two weeks later (because fanfic doesn't have a summer hiatus)…..

**Warning: **Contains Dark!Ryan and some adult themes (I think, I'm airing on the side of caution, here.)

Kaitlyn Cooper was bored. Phenomenally bored. She'd come home from school for the summer to visit with her family. Mom and Dad were helping Sandy Cohen run the Newport Group. Marissa spent all her time with Summer Roberts, going dancing at The Bait Shop and moping when Summer spent time with her dork boyfriend, Seth. The one and only time she'd asked about Ryan, Marissa's boyfriend, her sister had run crying to her room. Mom had threatened to cut off her allowance if she ever mentioned his name again and Dad just said they broke up.

So, here she was, trying to find a non-lame party to crash on a Friday night. She was hanging on the pier, hiding her smoke from the narcs, when she saw the glint of fire further down the beach. Surf party sounded okay. And it was, really. There was this geeky guy who insisted his name was Chili and he was friends with this real hunk named Johnny. Who, unfortunately, had a girlfriend. She'd snagged a drink and was working her buzz when someone else crashed the party.

Volchek.'' Johnny didn't sound happy.

Harper.'' The tattooed guy with the earrings and bottle of whiskey sneered at the crowd. You haven't dumped this loser, yet, Callie?''

You're the only loser here, Volchek.'' Johnny's girlfriend snapped. She tugged on his arm and the two walked away, Chili trailing along after.

Whose this?'' Kaitlyn looked up into ice-blue eyes that were definitely checking her out.

Kaitlyn.'' This guy looked like a real bad boy, which was just the sort of fun she needed.

You bored yet, Kaitlyn?'' She nodded. I know where to find a real party. Interested?''

Where?''

Don't trust me?''

No.'' Rather than get pissed, he smiled like she'd paid him a compliment.

Good.'' He walked away. He was cool. And kind of hot. She stood up to follow him.

Kaitlyn pulled her car up outside a bar. There were a lot of people around, all looking excited. They were filing into the warehouse behind the bar, nodding to the bouncer as they went. No one appeared to be checking id's, or taking money, so she just slipped into the crowd. People were making out in the dimly lit hallway, the throbbing music masking their noises. There was a cleared area in the center of the room with chain link fence around it. She stopped at the fringes of the crowd. Cage fighting? Seriously?

You're not gonna believe this guy.'' Someone was saying, enthused. Some nights he kicks ass, some nights he just takes the beating of a lifetime.''

Sounds like an idiot.'' Volchek answered from behind her. So much for the element of surprise. Hey, Kaitlyn.''

Cage fighting? Dude, this is so late nineties.'' She tossed her head and hoped he'd get the hint. She didn't need guys who were into this kind of thing. It was kind of gay.

So?'' He shrugged, handing her a beer. Money's good, if you don't bet on the Wild Card.'' He knocked back a drink from his bottle. Sometimes even if you do.''

But….'' Wild cheering and yells pulled her attention to the cage. A big bald guy with a dragon tattoo was climbing into the ring. The other guy had his back to her, but she could see he was blond, muscular, and a little shorter than his opponent. He looked vaguely familiar.

Fuck.'' Volchek finished off his beer. It's the Wild Card.'' He went off in search of more beer.

Kaitlyn knew she should leave, run straight home, in fact; but the tingle of familiarity pulled her closer and closer to the fight in the cage. Blond guy, or, as he was apparently known, Wild Card, was delivering punch after punch to the bald guy. Bald guy staggered back, nearly fell, then caught Wild Card with a right hook that threw the younger man face first against the chain link. His blue eyes flicked over the crowd and she gasped in startled recognition.

Ryan.''

He didn't act like he'd seen her, he turned back to the fight. Money was changing hands as people cursed and laughed. Ryan was winning. How did he get here? Wasn't he still at the Cohen's? How did he and Marissa break up? Should she call someone? Who? Caught by her own curiosity, she flinched in shock when Volchek came up behind her and put his arm around her waist.

Guy's good, I'll give him that.'' He sneered as Ryan's hand was lifted in victory. Too much of a queer thing for me.'' He smelled like skunked beer. She tried to tug away from him. What's the matter, not having any fun?'' He tightened his grip on her. Didn't you drink your beer?'' Oh, God, the beer. He'd put something in the beer? How could she have been so stupid? She dropped the beer to the floor, started to struggle in earnest.

Hey, Volchek.''

There was this red-head next to her, sliding a hand up the guy's arm. Kaitlyn would've been relieved at the reinforcements if it weren't for the heavy glaze to the woman's eyes. She was so stoned. And I am so screwed, she thought just as Ryan came up behind the red-head, bare chest glinting with sweat. He was going to have some lovely bruises, come morning. She tried not to lose hope when he gave her a confused look. He obviously recognized her. He just as obviously couldn't place her.

Hey, Ry.'' The red head slinked over to Ryan and put her arms around his waist. You in a party mood, tonight?''

New girlfriend, Ryan?'' Kaitlyn asked, still trying to free herself. My sister know you go to the cesspool for your rebound?''

Kaitlyn?'' He shoved the red head away and grabbed her arm. She didn't protest how much it hurt as it got her loose from Volchek. What the fuck?''

Hey, get your own.'' Volchek grabbed her other arm. She had a real bad feeling about this. She's with me.''

She's fourteen.'' Ryan snapped.

So?'' She swallowed, now really scared.

So, back off.'' Ryan growled.

Make me.'' Volchek sneered.

Really?'' Ryan's smile was nasty as he raised his voice. Looks like we've got a new player, Neil!''

What? I …''

A crowd started to gather, people pushing and shoving. Volchek stopped protesting when people started calling him a pussy. Other people offered him money, and he glared for a long minute, but finally accepted. Ryan yanked her over to where a hairy fat guy was laying money down into little piles. He looked up and nodded at the two boys. No one said anything about rules or terms of the fight, it was all about money. How much to get into the ring, how much to come out of it the winner, how the betting was going and in whose favor. A chair was placed next to Fat Guy.

Sit with Neil, Kaitlyn.''

Ryan pushed her toward the fat guy, who smiled at her in a very non-creepy way. He turned and walked away from her without a second look. She sank nervously into the chair, staring. She didn't think anyone would protest if she tried to leave, but she wasn't sure enough to risk it. Volchek stripped off his shirt, giving Ryan dark looks and muttering to himself. His hands were wrapped and the two stepped into the cage.

She watched, eyes wide, as they went at it. This was different from the prior fight, this seemed to be personal. She saw the red head from earlier watching and wondered if she had anything to do with it. From what had been said, Ryan was at least sleeping with her. She shook her head. She just didn't get it. What had happened? Last she heard, things were great. Okay, not great. Caleb Nichol was dead, Ryan's ex-con brother was being a loser, Kirsten Cohen turned out to be an alcoholic…… But Marissa and Ryan were doing okay, right? So how did it get from taking it slow' to cage fighting and a ban on his very name?

Winner!'' Cheers and catcalls filled the air. People came up to Neil Fat Guy's table to get their winnings or pay their debts. Volchek was out cold, bleeding heavily onto the floor.

Jackass!'' Red Head surged forward and slapped Ryan, hard. Kaitlyn caught her breath at the dark look on his face. His eyes glittered coldly, lips tightening. Red Head took a faltering step back.

Cat fights are Tuesday nights, Heather.'' He walked past her as if she didn't exist. Neil.''

Ry.'' The guy handed Ryan a wad of cash that he automatically stuffed into a pocket. Always a pleasure. When you showing up next?'' Ryan smiled darkly and shook his head. Right, Wild Card.'' Neil shrugged. Kid your sister or something?''

Or something.'' Motioning to her, Ryan turned as if he didn't care whether or not she was following. When she caught up to him, he was pulling a black t-shirt on over his head without bothering to wipe away the blood or sweat. The guy behind the stack of boxes serving as a bar handed him a baggy with Ryan's keys, wallet, and watch. He slipped his watch on and shoved the baggy into the non-money pocket.

I have a car.'' Her voice was quiet. She was afraid, not just of the situation, but of his behavior. What had happened to the shy boy who tried so hard to make her sister happy?

You can save me cab fare, then.'' He followed her to her car in silence. She nervously belted up and started the engine. She wasn't surprised to see that he wasn't belting in. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. I though Atwoods were fuck-ups, but you Coopers….''

It's not my …..'' She flinched away from the glare he gave her. Okay, it was my fault. I shouldn't have gone to the stupid party, or followed the stupid guy to the bar, but Ryan….'' All her confusion caught up with her and she shook her head to try and clear it. What happened?''

We broke up.''

Yeah, I kinda figured that out.'' Long silence as the streets got better lit and the houses got bigger and nicer. Why?''

Everything.'' Ryan shrugged. It just got to be too much.''

Putting up with her drama?'' He shot her a surprised look. Hey, I'm her sister, not her therapist. Marissa has problems.''

Trey attacking her probably didn't help.''

Okay, what?''

Trey attacked Marissa.''

How bad did you beat **him **up?''

I didn't.''

Okay, not believing that one for a minute, Ryan.''

I didn't find out until after he left.'' He canted a look towards her, frowning. Didn't you hear all about how I'm a scumbag who broke her heart and…''

Oh, please, no one tells me anything.''

I know how that is.'' They rode for a little longer before he spoke again. I just …with everything else ….. and then she sends Summer to tell Seth. Not even me, Seth.''

Yeah, that I believe.'' Kaitlyn nodded as several things clicked into place. Somehow, thought, Ryan's reaction seemed a little extreme, given the givens. So, you dump my sister for being the user she is …..'' He flinched. She saw him a guilty look flash in his eyes for a split second. Or was there something else?''

I slept with someone.'' He crossed his arms and slumped into the seat. The night before I found out about Trey.''

Whoa.'' Kaitlyn was surprised. If there was one thing that she thought made him stand out from all Marissa's other guys, it was his ethics. He was, basically, a good guy. She saw the shamed tilt of his head and knew what was at the core of the fighting. Everything was starting to come together. Okay, unexpected. That's not like you.''

You hardly know me.''

I've read Marissa's diary, I've heard her and Summer talk. I know you, Chino, and cheating on your girlfriend isn't something you'd just do for no reason.'' Something about the timing was tickling her mind. Funeral, when she stopped getting gossip emails from her sister, the wake where Kirsten had a melt-down…….Ryan, does this have anything to do with Kirsten going to Suriak?'' He flinched, bit his lip. Bingo. You poor thing.''

Sandy's trying to hold it together and work with your parents, where they bad-mouth me every day, by the way. Seth's lost his mother and can't hang with me without endangering his relationship with Summer. Marissa's ……'' He cleared his throat. Marissa was almost raped by **my **brother and you're feeling sorry for me?''

Kirsten's your Mom, too, sweetie.''

Sweetie?''

Hush and let me talk.'' She pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned to face him. He was staring at her, wide-eyed. I bet everyone expected you to just handle whatever came along, no matter what. No one even knew you were having trouble, did they?'' He shook his head, looking dazed. So here you are, your second chance and bright future falling apart around you, everyone too involved with their own stuff to even give you a second……'' Okay, this was all hitting a little too close to home. She shook it off. How much sex did you have in Chino, anyway?''

This is not a conversation I'm having with a fourteen year old.'' Ryan grabbed the door handle and opened the door..

I bet it was fun.'' He blew air out of his lips in exasperation and got out of the car. I bet it was comforting.'' He froze, hand suddenly white-knuckled on the doorframe. Who was it?''

….I…..''

It wasn't Summer, was it?''

NO!'' Ryan's expression was priceless. Just….no….''

Ryan, if you don't tell someone, everyone's going to think this was more than a one night hook up. Not to mention….''

….hailey…''

What?''

It was Hailey.''

Kirsten's sister?!'' Her voice went up two whole octaves.

Yeah.'' He slammed the car door and stood there, chewing his lip. Long moments passed before he spoke again. You said….you said you read her diary?'' When she nodded distractedly, he licked his lips. Did she…..did she ever say…..did she ever really love me?''

Oh, God, she wanted out of this conversation. Next time you're bored, she scolded herself, read a stupid book or something. What could she tell him? What **should **she tell him? If she said yes, she knew he'd try everything to win Marissa back. He was like that, always about the other person. She knew, though, that her sister was the worst person in the world for someone like Ryan. But if she said no, would he ever recover? She looked into his hopeful expression and tossed the dice.

No. I'm sorry, Ryan, but she didn't''

Bout what I expected.'' He seemed okay with it. Or not. He was really hard to read, all of a sudden.

Watching him walk away into her headlights, Kaitlyn wondered just what he had done to piss God off quite this much. The boy needed a break. Preferably before he got himself killed trying to punish himself for a single mistake. For someone who tried so hard to help others, he really sucked at helping himself. Someone needed to take that boy in hand. For a split second, she entertained the thought of doing it herself. After all, if you want something done right……

Sanity returned with the honk of a passing car. Pulling into traffic and headed home, Kaitlyn put the problem of Ryan on the back burner. It wouldn't do any good to find someone to help him with her sister still moping after him. First, fix Marissa. Memories of some of the elder girl's more memorable mistakes filled her mind. Right. This was going to be harder than she thought.


	2. Ryan

Ryan missed his anger. He felt it's loss more and more keenly the closer he got to home. Without the anger, shame and grief were in the forefront of his thoughts. Even his pain couldn't block them out completely. He wished he hadn't got in the car with her. He could've followed her in a cab to make sure she was okay. He should've just let her drive herself home and gone back to the bar. Because the only distraction he had from shame and grief were his fears, and he really wanted to go back to being angry. Sitting in the Cohen's driveway was a perfect opportunity to regain it. The Cooper's Benz.

Must be another late-night session for them and Sandy. Caleb may not have been broke, but he'd still left a tangled mess throughout the Newport Group. Jimmie was actually being praised for his efforts, people seemed to view it in the old adage of it takes a thief'. Julie excelled, as ever, at getting rich men to part with their money and Sandy, as the man legally in charge, used his influence to steer the company into charitable efforts and ethical business practices.

He looked towards the back entrance. He'd been avoiding everyone, even Seth and Sandy; only coming home when they weren't there or when they were otherwise engaged. He'd changed the pool house locks and kept the blinds drawn, even when he was in. His cell phone was probably still sitting on the kitchen counter, the line to the pool house sat coiled up next to the wall in what had become his solitary confinement. Tonight, though…….tonight he wanted the distraction of a confrontation. Tonight he needed to see someone from the Cooper clan, someone who might yell at him and give him back his rage.

He went to the front door, hearing voices on the other side. Perfect. They were in the foyer or the living room… Opening the door, he saw that his first thought was right. Jimmie and Julie stood in the foyer, Sandy obviously walking them out. Ryan shut the door behind him, walking down the steps like he'd go right past them. He knew, though, that they wouldn't let him get away with it. Not with his face looking like someone's speed bag.

Oh my god.'' Julie sounded This wasn't how this was supposed to play. She was supposed to be gloating, satisfied. She was supposed to be mad at him. What happened?''

Ask Kaitlyn.'' There, that should do it. She had a pretty strong maternal instinct. Not as strong as Kirsten…..He pushed the thought away.

You…'' Jimmie's face flushed nearly purple and he probably would've grabbed Ryan if Julie hadn't caught him by the arm. Sandy was only a beat behind in grabbing his other arm. Let me go!''

James, it's not what you think.'' Julie hadn't taken her eyes off him since he entered the room. No one had, really, but she was the only one he'd made eye contact with. The look in her eyes when he'd broken up with Marissa was stronger now, gazing into him with a keen perception he never really credited her with. Is she all right?''

He's not the one to…''

Use your brain, Jimmie, '' She interrupted her ex-husband brusquely our daughter may be a fighter, but there's no way she did **that** to him.'' She released her grip and crossed her arms. Now, Ryan. I believe I asked you a question.''

I…'' What was it with people seeing right through him tonight? She's on her way home.''

Thank god.'' Julie sighed.

What … I don't….'' Jimmie stuttered.

Oh, for God's sake, James,'' Julie snapped at him ''if he's not riding with her in a cab, and we didn't get a call from the cops or the hospital or Marissa,'' he couldn't help but flinch at the name ''then Kaitlyn was okay enough to drive home.''

Oh.'' Jimmie shook his head. ''Right, I just….''

''You need to keep a closer watch on your kids.'' Ryan sneered. If he couldn't piss off Julie, maybe he could get to Jimmie. Fathers were always a little dim when it came to their daughters. ''Keep her away from parties where the beer comes with ruphies.'' No one spoke for a long time. The three adults exchanged a look.

You two have a safe drive home.'' Sandy dropped his friend's arm and rubbed his face tiredly. I'll see you Monday.''

''Sandy.'' Julie took a step closer to Ryan. Here it comes, he thought, come on…. ''I'm sorry, Ryan.'' What? She was sorry? What? No! She was supposed to be mad! Blame him for dragging her younger daughter to some party….. What was going on here? ''Good night.''

''Thanks.'' Jimmie went to clap him on the shoulder and he flinched away. Not because he was afraid of the pain, but because he couldn't take the positive nature of the contact. What was the thanking him for? He'd just insulted the man's parenting skills and his baby girl in one breath. '' 'Night Sandy.''

''Jimmie.'' He and Sandy stood staring at each other. He closed his gaping mouth carefully. He was pretty sure he hadn't lost any teeth, but his jaw still hurt. He heard the Benz start up, the fading thrum as it drove away making the silence inside seem even quieter. Sandy just looked at him expectantly, patiently. He finally ducked his head away from the concern and sympathy in his foster father's gaze. ''Did you win?''

''What?'' How did he…… Oh, shit, had Kaitlyn called them? That would explain…..no, they wouldn't have reacted like they had if she'd called. He felt suddenly exposed, vulnerable. If he was slipping enough that a fourteen year old stranger could read him, that Julie Cooper could call his bluff and refuse to fight with him…… He couldn't be here. Of all the people he'd ever known, Sandy was the best at reading him. If he was that open tonight, then Sandy wouldn't have any trouble finding out about Hailey.

''Your hands.'' Startled, he looked down and saw that his hands were still wrapped. He'd gotten so used to leaving them that way until the morning after, to keep his knuckles from swelling, that he'd forgotten all about it. ''Let's talk, Ryan.''

''I'm going to bed.'' He didn't want to fight with Sandy, but he couldn't, he just couldn't afford to be near him. He couldn't let him find out about Hailey. He needed to keep the only thing he had left; this family, this home.

''You're going to talk to me or you're going to the hospital.'' Fuck, Sandy was following him to the pool house. The flat decisiveness of the declaration made his stomach churn. He briefly entertained the thought of running; he knew he could beat the older man to his sanctuary and lock him out. The memory of last Chrismakkuh, when Kirsten had locked herself in her closet, told him that wouldn't be very effective. ''So, since we're not going to the hospital…..'' Sandy observed as they reached pool house ''…that means we're going to talk.'' His tone was uncompromising.

''What do you want to talk about?'' Ryan unlocked the door, flicking on the light. The pristine exactness of the room calmed him a bit. He'd started keeping this place immaculate that very first night. Here, he was in control. Here, he could make order out of chaos, keep everything in it's place and fool himself into thinking there was a solution to his situation. He hung the keys on their hook by the door, avoiding his reflection in the wardrobe mirror out of long habit.

''I owe you an apology, Ryan.'' Startled, he shot his gaze to Sandy. The man nodded as if he'd spoken and dropped himself into what the younger man still thought of as Seth's chair'. ''I was so caught up with Kirsten and helping Seth deal with what was happening, I missed the chance to help you.'' His blue eyes were ashamed as they caught Ryan's gaze and held it. ''And you needed it more. I failed you, son, and…''

''Sandy….'' No, no, no. This was all wrong. **Sandy** wasn't supposed to be ashamed, to be guilty. This was all his, Ryan's, fault. He was the one who messed up, he was the one who pushed Kirsten to drinking. He was the reason Dawn drank, he must be the reason his foster mother did the same. ''You didn't…''

''Let me finish.'' Sandy raised a hand. ''Kirsten and I…..we've been having some communication problems. Remember Valentine's Day?'' He remembered the roses filling the house, the way she'd jammed them into the garbage disposal. The memory was so vivid, he could almost smell the overly sweet perfume. ''If she'd had me to turn to, if I hadn't tried to help my ex …..''

''If she hadn't had to deal with Trey and the whole Lindsay thing.'' Ryan cut in. He had to make the man see it was his fault, had to make him realize the truth. ''If I hadn't kept pestering her about Marissa….''

''Sometimes I think everyone in this family has a guilt complex.'' Sandy shook his head. ''Kirsten's probably blaming herself for being a bad mother and horrible wife. Which is nonsense, of course.'' Ryan nodded, dazed.

''At least you didn't say it wasn't my fault.'' He was relieved at that. He'd always valued his foster father's honesty over all his other positive traits. He put his watch on the nightstand and dropped the baggy into the trash, opened the drawer to drop his wallet inside.

''That's not to say I think it is.'' He looked back over at Sandy. That stomach twisting tension was back. He should've known the conversation wouldn't be that short. The guy was a lawyer, and a Cohen. He'd probably be here until dawn. ''I just know how important it is for you to accept responsibility, even when it's not yours to take.'' Ryan turned away from that piercing blue gaze, frightened of what Sandy might see in his expression. He put his back to him. Maybe if he started to get ready for bed, he'd take the hint? He had just pulled his shirt over his head, still facing away, when the man spoke again, tone conversational. ''So, I called Hailey.'' Ryan froze, shirt wrapped around his upper arms. He felt a burning behind his eyes. Here it came. He was done. He couldn't turn around, couldn't face the look on the other's face. ''She told me to ask your forgiveness.''

''What for?'' He choked out. He pulled fabric down his arms and dropped the shirt to the floor. The black, blood smeared fabric lay there in disarray. He should put it in the laundry. He should throw it in the trash. He should ….he didn't have a clue what to do. Shame froze him into place.

''For using you.'' Sandy was standing, coming over. Fuck, this was impossible. He needed to go. Fear and grief choked him, pain enveloped him, inside and out. He had to get away, had to find someone he could hit, someone to hit him, to punish him. He deserved to be punished. He turned, head still down, and nearly bumped into his foster father. ''Ryan…''

''I used her, too.'' His voice was hoarse, shaking, but he had to do this. If he confessed, they'd let him go. He'd lose the only real home he'd ever had, but they'd be free of him. Free to put their lives back together and be the family he'd fallen in love with. ''I started it.''

''I know, she told me.'' Sandy put hands on his shoulders. No, he can't be forgiven. This was pulling his coping mechanisms apart. He felt defenseless, raw. A shudder passed through him and he bit his lip, hoping the pain would provide an excuse for the tears he could feel overtaking him. ''I won't say it wasn't a mistake, and given Hailey's past, I hope you used some serious protection….'' Ryan was startled into looking into his face, shocked out of his incipient tears. He had no right to be grateful for the man's understanding, to accept it. But he needed it so much…… ''I'd have to say what I'm most disappointed about is that you didn't feel you could come to me.'' Hurt chased the smile from Sandy's face. ''You're part of this family, Ryan. We don't just say that to hear ourselves talk, you know. We love you. I just can't believe you didn't trust me enough to….''

''It wasn't that.'' He stepped back and sat on the bed. Love. This was a father's love he was feeling, deserving or not. He looked up, continuing the conversation out of shock. ''It….I just didn't want to bother you….'' For the first time, Sandy looked angry. Ryan looked at his feet. ''I didn't want to disappoint you.'' he mumbled. No one had ever believed in him like the Cohen's did, especially after all the times he'd fucked up. He wanted so desperately to be deserving of that faith. How many chances had he used up? And he was still here, they still looked at him like he was worth something. There was a pause, then the older man sat next to him on the bed in companionable, accepting silence. Feeling that there was a consequence free air to the conversation encouraged him to continue. ''You've done so much for me, believed in me, I just ….. I just didn't want you to be wrong.''

'' Promise me something?'' Sandy asked after a good long while, long enough for Ryan to feel his muscles stiffening, his face swelling. This was so surreal. The world just didn't work like this, in his experience. Except, here, tonight, maybe it did? After all, when in the Atwood world would he use the word surreal'? Or know what it meant?

''Anything.''

''Promise me that you'll talk to someone next time. Me, Seth, anyone.'' Sandy laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. ''And no more fighting.''

''That last one may be a little hard to keep.'' He felt the urge to smile, for the first time in weeks. Even before that disastrous forty eight hour period, he hadn't felt there was much to smile about. Not that he was much for smiling in the first place.

''No more fighting for money.'' A sympathetic squeeze as Ryan nodded. ''I hate to do this, Ryan….'' He turned his head to look at Sandy, who returned his gaze with embarrassed hurt. ''…..but ... I need to hear you say the words, to promise me aloud.'' Off his surprised expression '' It's not that I don't trust you, kid, it's just……well, knowing teenagers, you especially….'' Sandy smiled uncomfortably. ''To put it in legal terms, a verbal contract would be far more binding and more effective than any punishment.''

''Oh.'' He felt a warmth inside that, for once, had nothing to do with anger. Even after everything, he still believed that Ryan was trustworthy. He'd been an idiot for thinking he was alone in this, that he'd used up his chances. He'd been an idiot, period. ''Okay.'' He cleared his throat. ''I, Ryan Atwood…'' he was rewarded for the phrasing with a huge smile from his foster father ''.. do hereby swear…'' he crossed one finger over his heart and felt it swell when Sandy chuckled ''…that I will face my problems head on, that I will accept help when I need it, that I will even admit to needing it. That I will talk to my …..to my family and ask their help and advice…reserving the right to ignore it.'' Sandy snorted. ''That I'll give up cage fighting…. '' he pulled the wad of bills he hadn't even counted out of his pocket '' …no matter how profitable.'' Sandy laughed again, relaxing for the first time that night. Ryan felt a small surge of pride to see the lines in that face smoothing over in amusement. '' And ….I promise not to tell Kirsten about Hailey. Ever.'' He extended his pinky, smile tugging again at his lips. ''This I swear.''

''Good thing, too.'' Sandy joined pinky fingers with him, sealing the bargain. He felt better than he had for …..for months, really. Since Trey showed up. Since he started to sense something was wrong with Kirsten. Since he'd foolishly gone back to Marissa. ''She'd probably fly right out to Tokyo, without benefit of a plane, mind you, and drop-kick her into a volcano.'' He stood, smiling. ''And that's if she was in a good mood.'' He looked down at Ryan concernedly. ''You need anything? Aspirin? Liniment?''

''I'm…'' He remembered his just-sworn oath. He never wanted to let this man down again, even if it meant changing the way he thought the world worked. Admitting weakness, acknowledging pain, that was not done by men. But he'd promised. So he spoke. ''I've got some stuff. All over the counter….''he rushed to assure the older man ''… but I've got what I need. I don't need a doctor. It won't be a pleasant couple of days, but….I'm okay.''

''Okay.'' And just like that, he was trusted. Just like that, Sandy had faith in him. He felt the warmth of that belief easing his pain and fear. Maybe that black pit was just a pond, he mused, unfolding the money absently. Maybe. ''Hey, Ryan?'' Sandy was standing in the doorway. ''How profitable was it?''

''Well…..'' He'd missed this, this ability of the Cohen's to lighten the tension of any situation. He'd been **such **an idiot. ''…I won't be able to buy a **new **car.''

Laughter washed over him like sunlight. Sand wished him good night and closed the door, leaving him to a room that seemed suddenly brighter, cleaner, despite the shirt on the floor. Pulling a shoe box out from under the bed, he dropped the cash into it. Stripping for a shower, he opened the medicine cabinet, hoping he actually had aspirin, like he'd thought. Standing under the hot spray, waiting for the Advil to kick in, he tried to get a handle on his emotions. Tonight had been a free-fall of realizations and insights. He wouldn't say he was terrific, or even okay, but he could see where he would be. A light at the end of the tunnel, he thought abstractedly.

He lay under the sheets later, wondering why he felt so much better. Was that really all it took? For someone to talk to him, tell him that he had someone to turn to for help? He knew he wasn't completely through this mess that was his life. There was still his relationship with Seth to fix, after all. And there was still a niggling fear about Kirsten. And, of course, there was Marissa. And her family, he realized. There was too much history for him to be able to cut the Coopers out of his life entirely. Especially since they were in business with Sandy. It would've been easier, but since when had he done things the easy way?

Forgiven, trusted, even loved; Ryan Atwood fell asleep.


	3. Seth

''Hey.''

Seth stopped short at the kitchen doorway. Sitting at the breakfast bar in the oh-so-familiar outfit of wife-beater and sweats was Ryan. He looked like road kill, lip split and cheek swollen, but it was Ryan. Sandy was …holding his hand? Oh. He was cutting away this really disgusting stuff that was wrapped around his brother's fingers.

''You really should have done this last night.'' His Dad was scolding. ''You're gonna lose a little skin, here.''

''Kept them from swelling.'' Ryan hissed as what was apparently tape pulled away from the back of one hand. ''Skin grows back.''

''Eww.'' Seth realized what he'd just said and flushed. ''Quoting the love of my life, of course. How did you get tape on your hands? Were you kidnapped? Tortured? Into something really kinky with…''

''Seth!''

''Nice.'' He grinned at them both. Unquestioning for the moment of the return of Kid Chino. He pushed aside story ideas and layouts and nodded at his family. ''Good harmony. I think Dad had more of the melodic line, though; you'll have to practice a bit more before you've really got….'' Ryan groaned and shook his head.

''I can't believe I missed this.''

''I knew we should've gone to the hospital. You probably have a head injury.''

''Ha-ha-ha.'' Seth made as if he were holding his stomach in laughter. He couldn't believe how easy this was. All that was missing was Mom. The thought sobered him a bit, made him really focus on the two before him. Ryan was sitting gingerly on the stool, but he was letting Dad help him. Without being strong-armed into it, apparently. Maybe something had been slipped into his coffee? If so, they should get a steady supply. He waited until his father gathered up the first aid detritus and left. The two blood relatives exchanged a look of silent understanding in passing. Ryan was washing his hands carefully in the sink. ''So.'' He stepped around him to the coffee pot, frowning at the bruises he could see through the pale fabric of the shirt. ''You were either in a fight or those stairs out in the pool house are fair more wicked than I ever…''

''I was in a fight.'' Ryan patted his hands dry. ''For money.''

''Seriously?'' Seth poured his brother a cup and got himself one. ''How much money? Did you win? Are you the next title contender? Because, I got to tell you, if you went to anyone else to be your manager, I will be very offended…''

''I was cage-fighting, Seth, it wasn't exactly ……legal.''

''Oh.'' Disappointment surged through him. That would explain …..Oh, God. ''Is that why you're back? Because you got arrested?'' His voice was quiet and he let the silence build a bit. He looked into his coffee cup, swirling the dark liquid into a tiny whirlpool.

''No …..Seth…'' Ryan touched his shoulder briefly. He looked up and meet the calm gaze. Good omen, one, the guy was actually looking people in the eye. There may yet be hope, he thought. ''I came back because…..'' He shrugged, looked away. Uh-oh. No, wait, this was an I'm uncomfortable with my emotions' duck, not an I'm so ticked I can't look at anybody' duck. Dad had obviously worked some Sandy Mojo while he was waking up. ''I was stupid. I …..''

''Stupid to come back or stupid to leave? I know words aren't your thing, but this isn't the time to revert to classic Kid Chino mode. Especially with the punching people, because it doesn't look like it's working for you anymore.'' _Always be honest with him,_ _no matter how painful_. His father's advice when he'd complained, in the beginning, that he didn't know how to talk to the guy on a personal level echoed through his memory. He should've headed those words more often. Maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad that he'd cut himself off from everyone.

''I missed you.'' Ryan was the one staring at his coffee, now. ''I missed…… I missed my family.''

''Oh.'' Seth was incredibly touched. And amazed, really. This new, slightly more emotional brother was making him a little uncomfortable. He suddenly realized how Ryan must've felt, that first Chrismakkuh, when he'd blindsided him with that stocking bearing his name. He'd seen a gleam of moisture in the other's eyes then, he felt it in his own now. He cleared his throat. ''I think that's the first time you've called us that. Y'know, without the foster qualifier attached. Although I seem to remember you claiming me as your brother when reading Marissa the riot act….'' God, he could've kicked himself. That girl was probably the last thing in the world he wanted to talk about.

''It's okay.'' Ryan didn't smile at him, but the look on his face was calm and forgiving. No clenched teeth, no furrowed brow. Good omen number two. ''I'm not over her…..but I'm getting there….''

''I remember when I said that about Summer, I didn't know what I was talking about and don't glare at me like that, I'm not about to try and get you back with Marissa. Cosmo Girl has officially joined the forces of darkness. We may have to rename her. What do you think of 'Drama Queen, sorceress of sap'?'' Seth delayed a bit, opening the cabinet for cereal. He didn't want to go into the next part, but he knew it wouldn't be good to spring it on him later. Or, Jesus and Moses forbid, have him be confronted with a 'situation' without any warning. Comfortable routine enveloped them as the two boys assembled breakfast. He waited until they were halfway through their bowls before speaking again. Here goes….. ''Summer says she's been dating ….well, I don't think you can really call it dating, per se, ….this long string of guys and, weirdly enough, girls. I thought Alex was just a phase, but obviously not. Summer's been bummed because her best friend is turning into a mondo slut and she can't do anything about it. She's starting to feel bad she hit you. She wanted me to tell you she was sorry, if she helped to drive you away, but I had to tell her you weren't around. Or, rather, you **were** around, but you weren't actually communicating. Not that you were ever really good at that, but this was extreme, even for you. Summer and I are really solid, which is a relief, to be honest, because this could've gone so last year and Zack **is **still around, somewhere. She's just worried about her friend and wants to help her……''

''She can't'' Ryan interjected. ''No one can help Marissa until she admits she needs it. Until she asks for it.''

''True, very true, but my Summer is so very determined. Remember how she saved last Chrismakkuh?'' Again, he chided himself for brining up what was probably a sore subject. Of course, there were very few subjects that wouldn't spark a bad memory….. He saw his Dad coming back in and felt relieved. He was never one to shy away from talking, but he didn't want to drive Ryan back into his shell. It was bad enough he'd missed the danger signs last time, he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. No, while this time there would be all new mistakes, he had no intention of ever letting him vacate the family again. Seth Cohen had spoken. He swallowed the last of his cereal and gathered the bowls to place them in the sink. Maybe they should eat more takeout, he thought, seeing the pile of dirty plates and stuff just sitting there.

''So, Jimmie called earlier to say that he's taking the girls away for a three-day weekend. Family bonding.'' Sandy smiled as opened the fridge and took out the cream cheese. ''You must've struck a nerve.''

''When? What nerve? Oh my god…..'' Seth gaped at his brother, knowing his reaction would cheer him up and mend any wounds he'd opened reminding Ryan about Lindsey. ''You beat up Jimmie Cooper! How very Greg Fisher of you.'' His cell phone chirped at him. He pulled it out of the pocket of his sweats and checked the incoming. Summer! He had to get this. ''Hey, Summer.'' He ignored Ryan miming the crack of a whip, encouraged as he was that his brother was joking around.

_''Hey, Cohen.''_ Her little pet name did wonderful things to his heart. And other portions of his anatomy. _''Marissa's going out of town, so I won't be able to talk her out of her slut spiral this weekend. I thought we could hang, though, go out somewhere.''_

''Ryan's back.'' Seth told her. He'd learned the hard way about keeping things from his girlfriend. Sometimes there were bruises. ''Just today. We were going to …..do stuff.''

_''Oh.''_ She sounded so very disappointed. He wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her. She understood how important his family was to him, though, thankfully. _''Well, I can find something else to do, I guess. There's always a party, somewhere…''_

''Invite her over.'' Ryan urged him. What?

"Hold on, Summer…..'' Seth frowned at his brother, phone against his chest. What was he up to? ''This is Seth/Ryan, time, man, she understands….''

''Seth…'' Ryan made an exasperated noise and snatched the cell phone right out of his hand. He made no effort to cover the mouthpiece. ''Remember what happened last time you chose me over her? You don't want her to find another Zack, do you?'' He could hear Summer's voice calling him from the line. ''Hey, Roberts.'' His brother flinched away from the shouted Atwood!' even Sandy heard. His father raised an amused eyebrow as Ryan tried to talk. ''….ow….yeah, I….well, it's……look, I don't…..Hey!''

''Dude, don't yell at my girlfriend.'' Seth chided him, reaching for his phone back. His brother swatted at him.

''Look, Roberts, at least come over and yell at me in person, all right?...Yeah, I'm sure………Okay.'' Snapping the phone shut, he tossed it to Seth. ''She's on her way.''

. ''Now? Today? What about Seth/Ryan time? And Dad's here, we could do some seriously macho bonding stuff like ……okay, I don't know what…..but there are movies you've missed, and comic books, and some video games I'm dying to whip your ass at…..'' How were they supposed to reconnect with his girlfriend around? Seriously, he was helpless to ignore her on the phone, let alone in person. He didn't want to shut out his brother his first day back from the zombified state he'd been in. That was a recipe for relapse if he ever heard one.

''No reason we can't still do that, son.'' Sandy put in.

''Dad, I am so not hanging out with my girlfriend and my father. My girlfriend and my brother is weird enough.'' He caught the disappointed look on his Dad's face and realized he hadn't been the only one to miss Ryan. Time to switch tactics. ''Although……y'know, that video game competition would go better split into teams….and if I've got the Summer handicap, I think you should totally have to take Dad.''

''Sure.'' Ryan smirked at him. ''Probably the only way you could win, anyway.''

''Hey, I'm not that bad.'' Sandy protested, dusting the last of his bagel off his hands. ''I reached level three on that ninja game.''

''Yeah, after two years of practice.'' Seth jibed. ''Face it, Dad, you are a mere apprentice while I …. I am the master.''

''Not for long.'' Ryan mock-punched his shoulder. ''We should get changed.''

''Great idea. That whole Technicolor thing you've got going on…..'' He indicated the bruises and scrapped knuckles ''…not a good look. Don't want my partner to be distracted by her man, either.'' He smoothed his tee shirt down his chest and smiled inwardly at Ryan's snort.

He watched his brother exit the kitchen, headed towards the pool house. He was moving easily, comfortably. Seth had learned that, with Ryan, it was the body language that spoke loudest. Slow, careful, and cautious movements were danger signs; signals that all was not right, that something was bothering him. He'd felt so bad he'd missed the indicators before Ryan left, emotionally, that is. He was determined such a thing wouldn't happen again. He'd be there for his family, this time, since Mom couldn't; and when she came back she'd be so proud and happy she'd never have to drink again. For the first time, he hoped it would take a little while for her to come back. Healing Ryan was going to take loads of time.

One last look out the kitchen door gave him good omen number charmed three. The blinds to the pool house were up and the guy was going into the bathroom to change. They were stand-ins for Ryan's emotional walls and he hated often hated every pastel inch of them. Those flimsy barriers could've been made of adamantium, so effective were they in letting Ryan block everyone out. Hearing his Dad singing along with some oldies station; he climbed the stairs to his room and had to agree with the song..

It was a beautiful morning, indeed.


	4. Summer

Summer walked up to the Cohen's door. She took a deep breath and rang the bell. She wasn't nervous, she told herself, she was just …..oh, God, let it be Seth, let it be Seth……The door opened. God had apparently routed her to voice mail, because there stood Ryan, looking like an extra from 'Fight Club'.

''Oh my god.'' She walked into the house, not taking her eyes from his face. Only his eyes seem to have escaped the trauma, unblackened as they were.

''Hey.'' He shrugged at her, blue eyes hesitant, uncomfortable. ''Seth's changing, Sandy's setting things up.''

''Well…..'' Stop being a weenie, she scolded herself. Say something. ''I like the new look. Your whole……'' words escaped her in her shock. Not even when he and Luke were at their worst had she seen him this bad. ''….face.''

''You should see the other guy.'' His eyes cleared a bit, no longer looking like he was scared of her. But ….Joking? He was joking? This is a different Ryan, she told herself, you don't know this guy. The thought made her nervous all over again.

''No, thank you, vomit is so not a hobby.'' Dating Seth definitely taught the value of the quick wit and sarcastic response. Ryan's body language relaxed a little more.

''Summer!'' Seth clattered down the stairs, smiling. He was always so happy to see her, so enthusiastic. He enveloped her in his scrawny arms and she relaxed, feeling safe and happy. He'd been very demonstrative lately, not that she minded. She indulged herself, hugging him back tightly. Tighter. ''Ah….I can't breathe, Summer..''

''Cohen, stop being such a wimp.'' Summer disentangled herself from her boyfriend and glared at their smirking audience of one. ''As for you, if you ever pull one of your 'disappearing' acts again, and I mean in any way …..'' She pointed a finger at him, the way his face looked, poking him in the chest would probably be a lousy idea. ''I will personally hunt you down and use your ass for **mulch**! Are we clear, Atwood?'' He nodded, holding up his hands as if in surrender. ''Good.''

''I hear yelling.'' Sandy's voice echoed down the hall from the den. ''Summer must be here.''

''Hi, Mister Cohen!'' Summer yelled back at him and linked arms with the two boys. ''So, how bad are you and I going to whip these two?'' She asked, tilting her head at her boyfriend.

''Summer! NO, we're a team, like Buffy and Angel, Jean and Scott, Grifter and Zealot; you and me, we're unstoppable. You are…..'' Seth protested, sputtering.

''Not going to help you beat Atwood.'' She hadn't caught any of his references except the first. She wished he wouldn't do that. Now she'd be eaten alive by her own curiosity until she found out what he'd been babbling about. One of downsides of dating him, she supposed. ''Looks like he's taken enough beatings lately.''

''You're going down, bro.'' Ryan teased. ''I got your kryptonite!"'

''Summer, my love, how can you do this to me?'' Oh, there were the puppy eyes. She was such a sucker for those…..and he was doing it on purpose, the dork.

''You just made it a whole lot easier, Cohen.'' She shoved him a bit, smiling. ''Which game are we playing?''

''In honor of our cage fighting refugee…'' Seth ducked his brother's mock blow, ignoring his father's eye-rolling ''….something tournamental. Mortal Kombat, anyone?''

It only seems like forever. Summer told herself, taking a break in the kitchen to snag a drink. It's only actually been…..three hours. Yes, in that case, it was forever. She leaned her head forward against the closed refrigerator and sighed. Noises from the den showed that the guys were still going strong. She wanted someone else to be here, someone **female **that she could chat and gossip with while the boys played with their joysticks. She wanted Marissa. No, scratch that, she wanted **Coop**. Unfortunately, Marissa hadn't been Coop for a very long time. She couldn't tell exactly when the change had taken place. Before Trey, she knew. Maybe after Alex? No, the way her friend and used and discarded that poor girl… That behavior wasn't her friend. When was the last time she'd been truly okay? Before Ryan left? The first time?

Okay, now she was starting to sound like Marissa; thinking everything was centered around Ryan. It seemed like all the girl did lately was talk about him, or, more accurately, whine about him. Hating Ryan, wanting him back, cursing him for his 'betrayal', crying over how she 'really loved him'; it was starting to drive her crazy. Her friend went from blaming the guy for everything under the sun to claiming the world would magically be perfect if he came back to her. Summer had tried talking to her about Seth and how he was dealing, or not dealing, with his mother's trip to Suriak and how that was affecting their relationship; but Marissa didn't listen anymore. She missed not having someone to listen to her problems, she couldn't talk to her Dad about everything, after all.

''Hand me a 'Dew?'' Startled, she straightened up from where she'd been leaning her head on the fridge and blinked at Ryan. She'd never noticed how quiet he could move, when he wanted to. That feeling of strangeness came over her again. He was so different, it went much deeper than the bruising. She was uncomfortable around this stranger. She got the soft drink out and handed it to him, silent. He fiddled with the cap, looking at his feet, more Seth than Ryan. ''Look, I just…..I just wanted to thank you.''

''For slapping you?'' Please not, please….

''Oh, no….'' He shook his head, lips tugging as if he might smile. And that was what was throwing her off, she realized, he hadn't smiled. Okay, he didn't smile much in the first place, but there was that little head duck thing he did, like he wasn't supposed to be smiling and had to hide it. And sometimes, a lot of times, there was this amused light in his eyes. And that was the other thing, the thing that really wigged her. There was no light in his eyes. Anywhere. ''No, I meant …for sticking with Seth. After what I did…..I know he probably tried to stick up for me, and….''

''Oh.'' Did she dare tell him? This new, more somber Ryan? This dark-eyed stranger who moved so quietly and acted so …..hopeless? He had to know, it wasn't fair to let him keep blaming himself. Seth and Sandy were right there in the other room for damage control, if needed. ''Uhm, Ryan….'' Just spit it out, girl, you can do it. Yeah, I can make it worse. Well, you can't stop now, he'll think it's something about you and Cohen and freak. Okay, then, here goes. ''About that, see….you weren't the only one who cheated.'' His eyes narrowed, but he seemed more confused than mad. Keep going, keep going, it'll be over soon….''Marissa told me, …..she , uhm, hooked up with these girls that Alex, remember Alex?'' He nodded, not taking his eyes off her. No gritting of teeth. Good, this was going good. Kind of. ''She said…she said she needed to block the memories of Trey, and…'''

''Didn't work, though.'' He interrupted. He sounded…..oh, he sounded as cold and uncaring as he had that night. What had she done? ''Can't say I'm surprised.'' And that was it. He didn't say anything else, just opened his drink and tossed it back, turning towards the den.

''That's it?'' She expected…..well, she didn't really know what she expected, but more of a reaction than **this**. ''That's all you have to say? What about….''

''What do you want me to say, Summer?'' He sounded tired. He leaned against the wall, staring at her, drink dangling from one hand. ''She's my past. I'm not going to go running back to her, either to yell at her or get back together. That's over, permanently. I …I don't care what kind of mess she makes of her life, I'm done. For good.''

''Is that why you think I told you? To get you two back together?'' She was horrified at the thought. That would be an even worse idea than it had been last year. Cohen was such a moron, sometimes. Okay, a lot of times.

''No, but I think that's why Marissa told you. The same way she told you what happened with Trey; because she knew you'd tell Seth….''

''….and Cohen would tell you.'' Oh, God, that was horrible. And it made so much sense. Could her friend really be using her like this? Last year, heck, last month, she would've sworn up and down it was impossible. Now, however, …..she shook her head. No, she couldn't believe that. Marissa was her best friend. ''I can't. '' Her voice was choked; fighting the realization, fighting the tears. ''I can't turn on her. I can't give up on her……''

''It's okay, Summer.'' Ryan stepped forward and patted her shoulder, awkwardly, like he didn't know how to treat her. **That **she remembered from before, from the boy she knew. The one who had no idea how to interact with his brother's girlfriend. ''I understand.'' That gentle voice, too, was familiar. Incongruous as it was with his rep.

''She's my friend.'' She protested weakly.. ''I want to save her.''

''So did I.'' She nodded. That was familiar, too; his attempts to protect Marissa, to help her against all odds and obstacles. ''But, Summer….'' Ryan gently tilted her head up so she looked at him, then dropped his hand. His eyes were serious, two chips of dark blue ice. ''Two years in and she's not any better. In fact, she's worse. I just….'' He shook his head sharply, eyes closed. He drew in a pain-filled breath and she felt her heart constrict. Look what you did, you idiot, she berated herself. Make it worse, why don't you? ''….you can't save everyone.'' He stood there, eyes closed; and she felt a sudden urge to reach out, snatch him back from a ledge she couldn't even see. He turned his back to her, back towards the den. He'd nearly rounded the corner when she found the courage to speak again.

''There were good times, weren't there?'' She remembered good times. The Fantastic Four, Cohen had called them, geek that he was. And they had been, once.

''Of course there were.'' His tone was calm, not cold, but he didn't smile. He didn't smile and his eyes were still so dark. ''A drowning man cherishes the air when he makes it to the surface. Every time but the last.''

Summer stood, stunned, staring at the spot where he'd been standing. She wanted him to be wrong, what he said to be wrong. She wanted to argue with him until he was back to normal. Until he was the boy who cared about other people, who helped them. The boy with shining, light-filled eyes, even if he didn't smile. Because if she could get that boy back, then there was hope for Marissa. There had to be hope left for Marissa. Maybe, if she could remember a time when he and Marissa were good together, a time with no drama or mistakes, she could get that light back; for Ryan, for Seth, for herself. For all of them.

She was still trying to think of more than a mere moment half an hour later when Seth came to get her for the next session of games. She wondered if the little bit of hope she'd just lost dimmed the light in her own eyes, as they had in his. We need Kirsten back, she prayed, hoping this one wouldn't go to voice mail. **Please**, we need her if we're going to save him. Or her. If we're going to save any of us.


	5. Taylor

**A/N: **And now…..because you've been good…..because I'm starting to fear for my life….Taylor Townsend. (warning: this chapter is a little lone, you know how she gets)

This, Taylor decided emphatically, this is the worst night of my life. And that was saying something.

The night her dad left them, on the eve of her sixth birthday; her mother had declared that she, Taylor, was the biggest mistake she'd ever made. Then her party had been canceled. She hadn't heard from her father since and they'd never had another birthday party. Not for Taylor, anyway.

Then there was that night, when she was ten, that she heard the sounds from her mother's room. She'd gone to see; worried that 'mommy' was hurt. Yeah, that was a lifetime of therapy, right there. And the next night, when she'd confessed what she'd seen; her mother had called her a 'peeping tammy' and sent her away to camp. Then boarding school. Then to whatever relatives could be talked or bullied into taking her. She'd been forbidden to speak to any of Mom's 'friends', either, as motherhood was 'not an attractive trait'. It was also the last time she'd called Veronica Townsend 'mommy', even in her head.

There were all the nights at the camps, at the boarding school; when she'd lain awake, terrified to fall asleep lest she fall prey to the other girls. She'd gotten very good at feigning sleep and perfected the ability to fade into the background wherever she was. She'd also come out with an inability to sleep more than four hours a night; which was better than the alternatives, really.

The night after night during school, two years worth, so far; that she thought of all the witty, charming and **interesting **things to say, knowing she'd never be able to say any of them. And checking her phone for messages in sad habit, unsurprised at the little blinking '0'.

She dreaded the nights there were socially 'required' parties the most. These were the times that her mother, regardless of how many people were looking; would lecture her on how she should be dressed, how she should be acting….without giving her the chance to get away and **use** any of this advice, of course. Sometimes she thought her mother enjoyed whittling away at her self-confidence, crushing her will under her Prada heels.

Tonight, however, took the cake. At first, it was wonderful. Jack …no, **Dean **Hess … the new 'Dean of Discipline' (and wasn't** that** just the stupidest thing she'd ever heard?) had been so attentive, so charming. And he'd smiled, seemingly sincerely, at her; looking at her the way boys **never** looked at her. The school 'meet the faculty' function her mother had dragged her too had seemed suddenly the most wonderful event. Better even than the Cotillion she'd missed because Mother said she looked obese in the dress and didn't want to be embarrassed. She had actually started to look forward to the start of school next Monday. She should've known, really. She really **should have known**.

She'd spotted her mother being furtive when coming back from the restroom and was curious. Veronica Townsend and furtive didn't belong together. It was like Taylor and being popular. She'd followed, curious, and gotten the worst eye-opener of her life.

Her mother had asked how 'it' was going, how 'that girl' would get some experience even if she had to hire it done. As Dean Hess had answered, laughing; laughing at **her**, she'd come to the inevitable, horrible, realization. The remarks earlier that year, about how tired Veronica was of having a nun for a daughter. About how, if she was going to study the Karma Sutra, she might want to use it. The snide comments on how many batteries she went through in a week. This was her mother's answer, apparently. Find someone suspected (but not convicted) of infractions with his students, and dig up a reason to bring him to Harbor. Problem solved, no more celibate daughter.

She'd run. She'd run away from the school, not caring where she ended up. How could she? How could anyone be that horrible? That….that…..Sand, under her feet. The beach. The temptation, briefly, to walk out into the ocean and just….But, no, no matter how awful things were (and they were pretty nasty, she admitted that) she couldn't give up. Taylor Townsend wasn't a quitter.

Besides, she didn't want to give her mother the satisfaction.

So now, here she was, walking along the beach in the moonlight, trying to think of what to do. The cool night air dried the tears on her face, tears she'd finally run out of. Nearing a headland, she realized she'd walked into the residential district. Houses loomed darkly on the bluffs to her right, the beach narrowing ahead of her. Sighing, she turned to the ocean, stopping and crossing her arms. The moonlight painted a path down the restless waves toward her. She entertained the notion that she could just step out, step onto that path; and reach a place of calm and light, where everyone was loved and at peace. She closed her eyes, tilting her head back to let the moonlight fall more fully onto her face. If she stood here long enough, could she absorb the calm of that shining orb above? Find the peace and strength to stand up to her mother? And pigs will fly first class, she sighed to herself, on the Concorde, yet.

''You okay?'' She squeaked, no other word for it, and jumped in a little circle. Okay, maybe it was a startled turn, with a jump backwards at the end of it, but the end result was the same. She was standing in the surf, the waves washing over (and probably ruining beyond repair) her shoes. Her hands were clasped to her mouth, too late to stop the embarrassing mouse noise. She looked down as the water flowed over her feet again, chilling them.

''Drat.'' She muttered, lowering her hands. Not only were her shoes a lost cause, but her fancy black lace stockings would never be the same, either. Not that she'd ever want to wear them again, after tonight. Fortunately, her skirt was only knee-length; too short to be touched by the salt water. Focusing on the trivialities kept her from thinking about the enormous horror of this most terrible of nights.

''Taylor?'' Oh, god, who was this? She snapped her head up to peer at him. The way his head was tilted, it was really hard to see his face. He stepped forward, touching her upper arms lightly with warm, gentle hands and the moonlight illuminated the planes of his face. Mon dieu. This was impossible. This was horrible. This was a** perfect** end to the night. ''Are you okay?'' Ryan Atwood asked, concern in his blue eyes.

''How…how did you recognize me?'' She asked. Of all the stupid things to say…..

''Huh…Oh.'' He looked down at her feet, then back up with a little attempted smile. ''You're the only person I know of who says 'drat'. ''

''When did you ever…. I mean, we have classes together, I know, but I've never said…..'' She tried to remember when she'd ever interacted with him, but all her mind was pulling up were images of him and Marissa Cooper. He has a girlfriend, she told herself, he has a very jealous, socially powerful **girlfriend**.

''I'll tell you, but……can we go?'' He motioned towards a path, leading, she thought, up to the Cohen's house. ''My feet are getting cold.'' Sure enough, when he'd stepped forward to touch her, he'd stepped into the surf and his sneakers had to be as waterlogged as her pumps. ''There's coffee….''

''Well, if there's coffee.'' What was she doing? This was Marissa Cooper's **boyfriend**. If the girl found out she'd been **talking** to Ryan, her life wouldn't be worth living. It already isn't, she reminded herself. It couldn't possibly get any worse, really.

''Do you remember my first day at Harbor?'' He was asking, walking beside her, aiming for the path.

Did she remember? Oh, yes, she remembered. Vividly and in Technicolor. First day of her sophomore year; deputy social chair, editor of the lit mag; this was her year, she'd decided. Then, she'd seen him. Walking in step with Seth Cohen as if were the most natural thing in the world, oblivious to all the stares and whispers. She'd stopped dead in her tracks, heart racing and breath completely stopped. He was so…..oh, god. She'd followed him slowly, in a daze, getting closer and closer. She had been almost within earshot, had even opened her mouth to call out to him, to greet him; when it happened. Marissa Cooper had come up and smiled at him and he….he'd smiled back. She'd turned and walked away, even though it was the opposite direction of where she'd needed to go. She hadn't want to stay and see Marissa snare another one. What did that girl need with another guy, she had Luke! She'd told herself all day she didn't have any right to the feeling of betrayal, or loss. After all, she didn't even know him; didn't find out his name until third period, didn't hear his voice until just before lunch. When she'd found out he and Marissa were **dating….**. She'd spent lunch in the girl's bathroom, trying to stop crying. It was so unfair, so totally unfair.

''You were at my locker? You got ….'' Ryan was continuing to explain, she realized. He really thought she didn't remember.

''The numbers mixed up, yes I remember now.'' She'd been so upset by the morning's events, she'd transposed 256 to 265 and couldn't understand why her locker combination wasn't working. And Ryan had come up and been so understanding, so friendly. She'd hoped ….. she'd floated to lunch….and come crashing down when the other girl's gossip informed her of Luke and Marissa's breakup; the subsequent hook-up with the boy from Chino. She'd changed her schedule and avoided him for the rest of the semester, not wanting to torture herself. ''And I think there was something in the library?''

''Yeah, you helped me find a book from the summer reading list.'' Ryan started walking up the path, waiting for her to fall into step with him as if were the most natural thing in the world. ''So……bad date?''

''Huh?'' She looked down at her little black spaghetti strap dress, skirt swishing in the wind around her knees. The diamond pendant and earrings were probably a little over the top, but she hadn't cared. Now…..she'd be lucky if she could stomach wearing diamonds ever again. Which was a shame, given that they were her birthstone. ''Oh, yes, I suppose it is a little dressy for the beach.'' Ryan snorted. ''Okay, yes, there was …a dismal social occasion.''

''Pretty much describes every party in Newport, then.'' He commented, head tilted her way, inviting her opinion.

''Is that what Marissa thinks?'' Stupid, oh, you are so stupid! She bit her lip when her words halted him in his tracks. He was giving her that curious, confused look again.

''You didn't hear? We broke up.''

''Again?'' Oh, god, that was even worse. And so insensitive. ''I'm sorry, Ryan, I didn't mean….''

''No, that's okay.'' He sounded ….relieved? ''We did have a bit of a on and off thing going on, didn't we?''

''To put it mildly.'' She tilted her head at him, concerned by what she was seeing in his expression, Weariness, depression, listlessness,…..what was going on with him? Had Marissa been **that** important to him? If so, she decided, she'd try everything to get them back together. No matter how much it hurt. Some people just deserved to be happy. ''Are you okay? Because it looks like it was a bad breakup.''

''It was.'' He didn't say anything for the longest time, just started walking again, pausing courteously to make sure she was with him. They were halfway up the bluff when he spoke again. ''Marissa's pretty messed up. I'm …well….I'm getting better.'' She huffed out a breath of disbelief. He nodded as if she'd actually used words. ''Really. We're not ….good for each other, so since we're apart….'' He shrugged.

''Oh.'' She peered at his profile as they continued up the path. It wasn't really appropriate to smile, despite the lift to her mood, so she spoke, instead. ''What was the straw?''

''Huh?''

''That broke the camel's back?'' He gave her this confused look, like he wasn't sure what conversation he was in. She was used to that; sometimes she even got the look from teachers. ''What did she do? To make you break up with her?'' They finally reached the Cohen's and Ryan led her around the house towards the grill. Was she actually going to see the infamous pool house? Her heartbeat quickened.

''She didn't…..She broke up with me.'' He headed for the kitchen door and she told herself she had no reason to be disappointed. Then she looked around, brow crinkled. The entire house was so dark and lonely. She felt suddenly cold at it's utter emptiness. No wonder the boy had been down on the beach, she thought. She wondered where the Cohen men were. All of Newport knew where Kirsten was. Her mother had been all over **that** piece of gossip like a starving dog on a bone. The mere thought of her mother dimmed her mood considerably. Distracted by what was waiting for her at home, she nearly missed his confession as he unlocked the kitchen door. ''I slept with someone. Someone else.''

''Well that was considerate thing to do.'' She caught his disbelieving expression at her sincere tone. He held open the glass door for her, shaking his head as if he could adjust his hearing to find the sarcasm he thought she was using. She continued speaking, blinking as he turned on the light. ''I mean, if you break up with her, you're the bad guy; but you couldn't break up with her so you did something that made **her **break up with **you**. She still gets to be the victim and you get free of an abusive relation……'' Her brain caught up with her mouth and she flushed. She headed towards the phone she could see next to the fridge. ''…and I'm just a nosy parker, aren't I? I'll just call a cab and be out of here and you won't have to…''

''Wait.'' There was a note in his voice, a need she recognized all to well. He didn't want to be alone, she saw it all over his face as she turned. Even a stranger was welcome, as long as it gave him that human connection. His blue eyes were swirling with a miasma of emotion. He looked so lost and confused her heart just went out to him.

''I'm sorry, Ryan, I had no business saying any of that.''

''Even if it's true?'' He pulled the door shut behind him. There was relief in his voice. She knew he didn't even realize what he was feeling. ''I could've……maybe in the back of my mind, subconsciously…… that may have been part of it.''

''What was the other part?'' She whispered, sympathetic. Guilt was ripping him in pieces, poor guy. She was livid at the Cohen's for not talking to him about this before she remembered how little Ryan actually spoke.

''Comfort.'' His tone was bitter, self-condemning. She saw how he tried to shake off the mood by finding something to do. ''I promised you coffee, didn't I?'' He started searching through the cabinets. If he was looking for a clean mug, he'd have a long search; all three since were piled high with dishes.

''It was the night Kirsten went away, wasn't it?'' She wasn't about to let him stop talking. That was key, here, obviously. He needed to talk about this, or to listen to the truth from **someone**. Even if that truth hurt, even if the someone was her. ''So you looked for comfort because one mother gave up on you and you gave up on the other.''

''I didn't….'' He was angry, whirling around and clenching his hands into fists. Somehow, she wasn't afraid, though. He wasn't violent towards women, she knew that like she knew the sun would rise tomorrow. She seated herself matter of factly on one of the kitchen stools and clasped her hands together on the middle counter.

''You don't try and help people, save them?'' She saw her question hit home. He looked away from her honestly piercing gaze. ''Your mother gave you up because she knew **you'd** never give up on **her**; and she wanted you to live **your** life, not keep trying to fix hers. So you started saving Marissa, '' his gaze snapped back to her face, shock showing through the anger ''but when Kirsten went away, when you were forced to give up on **her**; you just gave up on everything else. Marissa. Your family and friends. Hope. Life.'' He slumped back against the far counter as if she'd hit him, hands falling open. ''Now you're feeling guilty about giving up, and angry that Kirsten started drinking, and depressed because you couldn't save anyone you love……'' She trailed off, watching his face. His gaze was turned inward, sifting. There was a slow burn of realization, light coming into his eyes. He looked at her finally, as if seeing her for the first time.

''How do you do that?'' he whispered. She didn't expect that to be his first question. Usually, it was 'who do you think you are?' and 'what are you, a mind reader?'. Once, she'd gotten the original 'how much for the session, doc?'.

''Do what?'' She started twisting her hands together. People reacted badly when you struck that near their secret hearts. She fought to keep eye contact, no matter how much she didn't want to see his face change to the 'freak' look. She was losing the battle the longer they gazed at each other.

''Reach in and say what I'm feeling…..**I **don't even know what I'm feeling.'' His tone was conversational, sincere in his confusion. His gaze was only a little wary, he seemed more curious than anything else.

''I …I guess…because I watch people, I think about them; about what they're feeling, what they're thinking. How they would be happy if they did **this**, how they could work out their differences if they only did **that**.'' She shrugged, finally dropping her gaze to her hands. Stop picking at your nails, she scolded herself. Her fingers kept their nervous activity, shaking a little. ''This is why people say I'm bossy, I know, but I can't help it. I see someone, and…''

''You want to help.'' He covered her twitching fingers with one hand. She looked slowly up into his face, scared of what she would see. He looked….understanding. Grateful? Concerned? Still a little curious, though it was different type of curiosity. He quirked a little half-smile at her. ''I think I can understand that.'' She smiled back at him, a little shakily, but honest.

''Do I still get my coffee?'' He smiled a little wider, turning back around to start the coffee brewing. When it started, he pulled a stool over so that he could sit between the two counters, facing her across the corner of the middle counter.

''Someone promised me a story involving a little black dress.'' He commented, leaning his forearms on the countertop.

''So I did.''

She didn't want to, she really didn't want to. She didn't want his pity. But she had pretty much promised. And maybe she owed it to him, for poking around in his emotional scars. So she told him. She didn't tell him that Jack Hess was a faculty member, let him think her mother hired some nameless boy to date her. She didn't mention her virginity as the issue either. Her lack of popularity was enough without revealing **that** little factoid. Telling something like that to any boy, especially one she'd fantasized about…..NO, just…..no. His face hardened as she spoke, gaze darkening. She suspected he was pissed. When she ground to a halt, his first words proved her right.

''I can pound the shit out of him, if you want.'' The offer was sincere, she knew. Not thinking that the problem could be solved that way, just a belief that someone who'd date a lonely girl for money deserved a beating. She was flattered, really, but she couldn't let him do that, not for her. ''Maybe sic Summer on your mother for you.''

''I think I'll settle for you buying me a new pair of shoes.'' He was confused out of his anger. ''You did startle me into ruining them, after all.'' She busied herself during his silence pulling off her ruined pumps and going around the counter so he couldn't see her hitch her skirt to pull off her stockings. Looking up, she saw he had actually turned his head, blushing a bit. A mischievous urge filled her and she dropped the stockings in front of him, straightening her skirt. ''I should make you buy me new stockings, too.'' His look was panicked, the blush got a little deeper. She giggled. She'd just made Newport's baddest boy blush. That was a nice memory to kept her company some dark night. He practically scurried to the coffee pot, busying himself with preparing the beverages. He must have slipped one too many times for his patience; from the violent way he slipped his sneakers off and kicked them across the room. They sat back down at the counter, the silence surprisingly comfortable.

''What does your dad think of all this?'' Ryan asked, staring into his coffee.

''My dad?'' Well, of course he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything about you except what you've told him, does he? ''Oh, well, he has his new family, now. I haven't seen him since I was six.'' She traced the edge of her coffee mug with one finger, depressed. She really didn't want to go home, but what excuse did she have for staying here? Aside from keeping Ryan company, she supposed. A dog could do the same thing, she thought morosely. Ryan's voice startled her out of the downward spiral of her thoughts.

''My dad's in prison for armed robbery.'' She looked up, seeing old shame in his expression. ''I haven't seen him since I was five.'' If they kept on like this, they'd end up in a suicide pact. It was time to lighten the mood a bit.

''Are you seriously trying to one-up me on personal tragedy?'' He looked surprised, then started to protest, chagrined. She overrode him, crossing her arms with a challenging glare. ''Because, I have got to warn you, Ryan, I am **very** competitive. And I **always** play for keeps. You don't stand a chance.''

''Is that so?'' Ryan's eyes glinted with dark amusement. He set his cup down and raised his arms, making beckoning gestures with both hands. ''I've got some heavy ammo in my court, lady, you sure you wanna do this?'' There was a tiny note in his voice saying he didn't, but there was also a look on his face: a recklessly determined look. She had the feeling if they didn't do this, he'd bottle everything up and no one would ever be able to pull him back out. It might be good for her, too, she decided; a catharsis of sorts.

''I hear a lot of big talk, mister.'' She raised her eyebrow in a move she'd practiced in her geek phase, not too long ago. ''Let's see some action.''

''My mom…my birth mom…is an unrepentant alcoholic who left me a **note** when she kicked me out for good.'' He crossed his arms at her as if to say 'so there.'

''My mother is an emotional terrorist who makes Idi Amin look like a choir boy.'' She had him on that one. Not even alcoholic beat hiring someone to date your daughter.

''Before I found out he attacked Marissa, I put my brother Trey on a bus out of town just to get him out of my life.''

''I …'' Oh, fudge, she didn't have a brother. What to say…..''I'm so much a social pariah that I don't even register on the radar of outcasts like Seth Cohen used to be.'' They were talking faster, each trying to psych the other out. Each racing so they wouldn't have to think about what they were saying. A morbid frivolity was overtaking them both, a drunken honesty without benefit of alcohol.

''My first serious relationship was a girl with an addictive personality who used me as combination safety net and arm candy.''

''My **only** relationship was with a pen-pal in France named Henri-Michel who stopped returning my letters when he got married.''

''I ….'' Oh, now he was getting stumped. She smiled at him, oh so triumphantly. ''When me and Marissa broke up, I took up cage fighting just to work out my anger.'' Cage fighting? Seriously? That was a little crazy, a little …..oh, darn, it was her turn again.

''Uh…..'' He started to smile, now, a slow glide towards smug. That would never do, she couldn't let him get the upper hand; they'd taken this too far to stop now, anyway. ''When I like someone, I tend to kind of stalk them. I take photos of them, in public, I do have **some** respect for privacy. I assemble the pictures, and log their activities, and make scrapbooks…'' His mouth opened and closed for a long moment. She saw a little shock in his face, but he didn't completely freak out. And he rallied himself back into the contest.

''I never slept with Marissa.'' She ignored the thrill that shot through her at the knowledge. Did that mean she had a chance? Mind on the matter at hand, she scolded herself. She had to counter.

''Neither did I.'' She quipped back. That got him. He started to smile, really smile; and at her! ''**And** I've never slept with Seth.'' His smile faltered, then returned, even bigger. She instantly knew what he was going to say next, as if she really was reading his mind.

''Neither have I.''

''Somehow I got that.'' There was a long pause as they shared amused glances. Finally, he spoke again.

''Game over?'' He tilted his head at her. She bit her lip, hesitating. Part of her wanted to stop before they went too far. But the other part knew they couldn't stop until every card was on the table. There was something else, she could tell. Something swimming under the surface of his dancing eyes. She had to keep it going, for his sake, no matter how dangerous to her ego.

''Giving up?'' She asked teasingly. He twitched, his smile turning grim.

''Not at all.''

"Then I believe it's your turn."

''Okay.'' He thought for a moment, twisting his coffee mug into circles. ''Right. I've been arrested at least three times since coming to Newport. Spent about a month, added all up, in Juvie.'' He seemed proud, confident she wouldn't be able to counter. Oh, she hated to burst his bubble. Wait….no, she didn't.

''I'm on the terrorist watch list for the airlines.'' His look screamed disbelief, so she went on. ''Last summer, when I got back from Paris, I babbled a bit about how I was both happy and sad to be home …..et viola! Terrorist watch list.'' Victory, oh how sweet the taste. Brief though it is, she thought, as Ryan blurted out his next volley.

''I slept with Hailey Nichol.'' His eyes started to widen in horror as what he'd just said sunk in. So that was it, one part of her mind relaxed in satisfaction. Now they could finally stop. But another part, the driven, competitive part; scrambled for something to say to continue, if only to distract him from confessing his peccadillo. Desperate, she blurted out the first thing that popped into her head.

''I'm a virgin.'' She clapped her hands over her mouth; too, too late to stop the idiotic, humiliating statement. She waited, breathless, terrified; for pity to finally enter his gaze.

He smirked, she closed her eyes in dread of the sure to be devastating comment he'd deliver; doubly so coming from him. This night just couldn't get any better, she snarled sarcastically to herself. She snapped her eyes back open at his first snicker. He looked helpless as he started to chuckle, then to laugh. Not that he was laughing at **her**, per se; just at the utter ridiculousness of the situation they'd created for themselves. She started to giggle as she thought about how absurd it was for the two of them to be sitting here, drinking coffee, engaged in some stupid game about who had it worse. They turned away from each other as catching the other's gaze sent one of them into laughter again. Finally, they sputtered to a stop, breathing hard, shaking with the release of tension and strangely more at ease with each other.

''Jesus.'' Ryan ran his hands over his face and through his hair. He leaned his forearms heavily on the counter and grinned over at her. His eyes were completely clear, a little light deep within them. She couldn't help but smile at him, feeling the butterflies in her stomach as she drank in his gentle regard. ''I think you win.''

''Oh, I think we can call it a tie.'' She waved a hand airily, magnanimous in her victory. They smiled at each other again, gazes locked. Something changed in his gaze, some expression too deep for her to catch a glimpse of. Her skin heated up and, for the first time that night, she felt a little uncomfortable. Her voice shook a bit as she tried to maintain an airy tone. ''What are friends for?'' She could have kicked herself. She wasn't his friend, she was some crazy girl who'd wandered into his home and pushed her way into his life. ''I mean…that is..''

''I'd like to be your friend, Taylor.'' She loved how he said her name, it felt …special. Was she just imaging it, or did his voice drop the tiniest bit when he spoke her name? His offer was sincere, honest; not like those cruel kids who promised to be her friend so they could rip her apart more readily. He covered the hand she was white-knuckling her coffee mug with with one of his, never taking his eyes from her face. She really wished he'd stop touching her, it did wonderful scary things to her insides, sending little sparks running along her skin from the point of contact. ''If you want.''

''Yes.'' She was proud of her quiet response, no over the top yelling or dancing or squealing. None of her usual spastic behavior. He smiled, pleased, and she smiled back at him, eyes twinkling. Their fingers twined together, seemingly of their own accord. She felt her heart rate speeding up again. He started rubbing his thumb back and forth over hers, other hand holding his forgotten coffee mug loosely. She couldn't move. She was holding hands with Ryan Atwood. It was like a dream. How long they sat like that, she couldn't say. It felt comfortable, it felt easy; it felt **right**. And then she opened her mouth and tried to spoil it. ''Kiss me.''

''Huh?'' He looked like he was waking up, he looked around the kitchen as if trying to find who'd spoken. He pulled his hand away from hers, making her heart sink back into it's normal rhythm. Oh, stupid, stupid girl! Maybe you can blame it on the caffeine? He's had the same, dummy, and he didn't say anything so…..Oh, God. ''Taylor, what?''

''I'm sorry.'' She blurted. ''I'm so stupid sometimes, it was so dumb, I didn't really mean it, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Please, please, say we can still be friends? Just forget I ever said anything, I'm just so crazy sometimes..'' She was begging, she knew, but she wanted that quiet sense of closeness back so desperately that she didn't care how pathetic she sounded.

''Taylor.'' She stopped, eyes huge with fear, hands shaking. ''I just…..uhm….'' He shook his head, like he was trying to adjust his worldview. ''I just don't understand why you'd…..I don't get it.''

''Yeah, that's my problem with most guys. Why on earth would anyone want to kiss Taylor Townsend?'' Oh, mon dieu, it was worse than she thought. He was repulsed by the very idea. She stood, starting to tremble. Her throat closed up and she hoped to get away before she cried.

''No, I meant ….it just seemed a little sudden, coming out of nowhere like that.'' He was looking at her with concern, not with pity. She felt a little surge of hope. Oh, he was giving her a chance to explain. He was wonderful. He was terrific. He was …waiting? Oh, yes, the reason.

''Well, uhm….'' She looked down at her nervous hands, twisting them back together. ''See, I think that there's….it's probably stupid and just me being…well, me….but I kind of sensed an….attraction. Totally crazy, I know, huh? I mean, not being attracted to you, you're …..well, you're…..'' She blushed and licked her lips. '' But, you know, you being attracted to me? Crazy, right? I mean, that's me; I'm just ….crazy.''

''You're amazing.'' She snapped her head up, gaping at him like a fish. She was what? ''You're beautiful, and kind, and funny and……well, I won't say that you're wrong about the attraction thing….'' He was blushing again. He dropped his gaze to where his hands were locked around his coffee mug. He seemed to be trying to find something to look at somewhere on the countertop. ''It's just…..I don't just haul off and kiss people…..'' He twisted his mouth self-disgustedly. ''Except for Hailey, but I'm hoping that's the exception to the rule, really.''

''I just….'' She'd ruined it, she always ruined it. But he deserved to know the rest of it, didn't he? After all she'd done to him? She swallowed hard. ''I guess I just got a little greedy.'' She forced herself to meet his gaze when he peered up at her, head still bowed. ''See, I think you can tell a lot from a kiss, especially the first; and I thought …..I just wanted to know if it was possible. If we were just friends, or if we could be…..''

''Something more.'' She nodded, miserable. Now he was going to tell her that they could be just friends, and that maybe she should go….Or worse, that he wasn't interested in being friends with someone so off the wall….. His gaze went internal again and she tried not to hold her breath, but she couldn't help the small gasp as he stood. The flutter in her stomach as he spoke. ''All right.''

''All….all…you mean?'' She couldn't breath. Which was a problem, because she was getting really dizzy. Their eyes locked, they each took one unconscious step closer to the other.

''One kiss. Just so we'll know.'' Ryan cupped her face with one hand, tilting her head gently towards his. She stepped forward, certain he could hear her heart, it was pounding so madly.

''One kiss.'' She breathed, resting her hands on his chest. ''Just as an experiment.''

''Right.'' His voice rumbled under her hands. Was she just imaging the husked quality, the darkening of his blue eyes? He was so close, she could feel his breath on her lips. Her eyes fluttered closed as he gently touched his lips to hers, feather light. She felt the sparks from his touch, more intense, more …..primal. She knew she felt his breath hitch just as their lips made contact. Did he feel sparks, too?

Ryan pulled back a bit, just a bit, and she opened her eyes. His expression was wondering, his eyes a burning question. Yes, she thought. And just as if she'd spoken aloud, he pressed his lips to hers again. She was melting; there was going to be a Taylor puddle on the Cohen's floor. Electric fire raced over her skin, through her blood, melting her insides. This was hunger, she thought, gasping a little as he touched his tongue to her lips, sliding into her mouth. This was passion, as he slid his fingers into her hair, cupping the back of her head and deepening the kiss. This was desire, his other hand pressing her firmly against him, thumb rubbing tiny circles in the small of her back.

She ran her hands daringly up his chest, over his shoulders, and up his neck into his hair. Was there a little moan as she played with the hairs at the base of his neck? She could feel every single millimeter of her skin. She felt alive and aware for the first time in her life. She wanted it to last forever; but all too soon, only centuries later, their lips parted for desperately needed air. He rested his forehead against the top of her head, gasping for breath. She wanted hire a banner done, maybe a billboard. She'd just kissed Ryan Atwood breathless. Never mind she was breathing like she'd just run a marathon, herself.

''Madre de dios.'' He mumbled, voice hoarse.

''A-**men**.'' Taylor responded, fervently.

He didn't say anything, just brought his hand down out of her hair. He was going to step back, she knew. Maybe he'd start being uncomfortable. It was her idea, and that kiss …..that was some kiss. She leaned forward and rested one warm cheek against his chest, sliding her arms down to wrap around his ribcage. There was a slight, tiny and almost undetectable, stiffening. Hadn't anyone ever just **held** him? Not to make out, not a brief clasp of a hug, but a real, honest embrace. Slowly, the hand on her neck slid around her shoulders, the hand on her back moved to her hip. He rested his own cheek against the top of her head. And the tension slowly, so slowly, bleed out of them both.

If the kiss had been fire, a rushing white-water torrent of sensation; then this was ice, the relief of ice on a hot day, the still and calming forest lake. They stood there, surrounded by the quiet night, just holding each other; not even holding very tightly. Finally, though neither one spoke, no one made a signal; they just each moved to part at the same time. She felt the reluctance (!) in him as he released her, hands sliding around to clasp her hands.

''Now what?'' He asked, the normal speaking tone of his voice seemed loud and jarring in the room.

''Well, now that we know….'' Taylor smiled, enraptured to see him smiling back. ''We get to know each other better…'' raising one finger ''…not like that.''

''Don't we already know each other?'' He shot a nervous look towards the coffee mugs, her ruined stockings lying snakelike near the sink.

''The big things, yes.'' She pulled her other hand out of his reluctantly and wrinkled her nose at the dirty dishes. ''…like that you guys have probably let the dishes get this bad because it makes you feel like you need Kirsten.'' She marched herself over to the dishwasher and opened it. Just as she'd thought, empty. ''No, I mean the little things. Like…..oh, what's your favorite color?'' She started rinsing the least dirty dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.

''Favorite color?'' Ryan joined her by the machine, taking the dishes from her and putting them inside. ''Uhn…..it's weird, but….hazel.''

''Hazel?'' Taylor stopped short. Was he saying that her eyes…..

''It's not my fault it only occurs naturally as an eye color.'' He sounded defensive, not looking at her. Someone had ragged him about this, she could tell from her experience at defending her own opinions. ''Everyone thinks I mean turquoise, or aquamarine; but they have too much blue. I like hazel.'' They loaded the machine in silence for a bit, before he asked ''What's yours?''

''Well, I suppose it would be tacky to say blue.'' Seeing his startled look, she knew he hadn't meant to be romantic or sappy. He just hadn't connected her eye color to his favorite in his head when he'd answered her question. It was all the more endearing for it's honesty. ''It also wouldn't be true, because I like red.''

''Red.'' His tone wasn't flat, but there was a spark of disbelief.

''I know people expect me to like pink or yellow or something from the pastel family, just my personality, I suppose.'' She shrugged as if she didn't care.

''No, it's not that. It's just…..it's your favorite color, but I've never seen you wear it.'' He'd noticed what she was wearing? While dating Marissa? Oh, she was going to faint, she really was. Counter, girl, counter.

''Oh, I wear red all the time.'' She told him, voice teasing. ''Just not where you can see it.'' His eyes widened. She looked at him frankly, holding out a plate almost challengingly. He leered, actually leered, at her. She felt his eyes like an electric charge traveling over her skin. His fingers caressed hers as he took the plate. ''Uhn……'' Flustered, she reached for a conversation topic. What had they been….? Oh, yes, favorite things. ''So, ……what's your favorite fruit?''

''Peaches.'' She froze, then slowly turned her head to stare wide-eyed at him. He couldn't possibly have just said….''What?'' He peered into her face, then shook his head. ''Oh, don't tell me….''

''Yeah, me too.''

''Okay, that's a little weird.''

''I think it's neat.'' They finished loading the machine. She liked that Ryan didn't have to hunt for the cleansers. Her theory was probably right, if he knew where the cleaning supplies were. He even found an apron to protect her dress as she filled one sink with soapy water to tackle the harder to clean dishes.

''What's your favorite band? Or music?'' Ryan asked. He was getting interested? In her! She very nearly clapped her hands, but managed to restrain the urge.

''Oh, I like a little bit of everything, usually.'' He found a towel and started drying and putting things away.

''Me too.'' Silence for a bit. ''Nothing that stands out?'' He sounded like he really wanted to know. She could tell him, she felt. He knew the big things, after all.

''Well…..it's a little …..embarrassing.''

''As long as it's not Brittany Spears or something…..it's not, is it?'' He looked horrified. She batted at his shoulder playfully.

''No, no, definitely not.'' Taylor laughed. ''It's Def Leppard.''

''Seriously?'' She nodded. ''Hunh. And I'm a Journey fan.''

''They're okay, the ballads are pretty.'' She teased him lightly.

''Just between you and me, yes, they are.'' His eyes were teasing her back She smiled at him and he ducked his gaze. ''So, what do you think about…..''

They talked as they worked their way through the piles, covering movies next, then books, and finally television. They ended up back on their kitchen stools, chatting freely like they'd known each other all their lives, instead of one short night. They kept it light, 'the little things', as she'd said. The coffee sat cold and forgotten in the mugs as they talked the night away, loading and unloading the dishwasher. The 'ding' of the last load of dishes actually made her flinch. She looked over at the kitchen counter and saw the lightening sky outside. Reality came crashing down into her mind. She was going to catch it when she got home. Cinderella turned back into the scullery maid, it was time for her to go back to being Taylor Townsend. She bit her lip and looked down, not wanting to look at the beautifully traitorous morning.

''Taylor?'' Ryan touched her shoulder, concern loud in his voice. ''What is it?''

''Oh, Ryan…'' Taylor didn't want to go, but she had to. Where else did she have to go? ''It's just….it's morning.'' He looked startled towards the nearest window. ''I have to go.'' She whispered.

''That's not all of it, is it?'' She raised sorrow filled eyes to his face. ''It's not just that you don't want to go, you're afraid to.'' At her nod, he ground his teeth together. ''Why? Is your curfew that strict? Because I can explain, I can tell her that nothing happened….''

''That's the problem.'' She swallowed her tears and firmed up her voice. ''Nothing ever happens, not to me. I don't have any friends, I've never had a boyfriend; and she's so sick of it she actually **hired** someone to date me. If only I could just get her off my back, just for a little; I could probably make a friend or two….besides you, I mean.''

''What if you could?'' His face was determined, but there was an amused light in his eyes. She wasn't too angry at him for finding this funny, she couldn't blame him, after all. She was so darn pathetic.

''She's not going to believe you're my friend, Ryan. She doesn't believe that I can make friends.'' Her tone was bitter, snappish. He didn't seem to hear it.

''Will she believe I'm your lover?'' His ears turned a little pink at the word, but he forged ahead when she just stared at him. ''If I answer the door not wearing a shirt, or something?''

''Oh, God.'' She'd never even thought….''Ryan, are you seriously suggesting that we punk my mother?''

''Why not?'' He smiled conspiratoringly at her. ''Doesn't she have it coming?''

''Oh….'' She couldn't resist the urge to clap her hands. ''Yay! Our first secret. Well, our first shared secret, anyway; you know, that belongs to both of us.'' The look on her mother's face…….Like Master Card said; priceless. ''I'm gonna call her to come get me right now.''

''Won't you wake her up?'' Ryan asked, looking towards the den and the clock on the TiVo.

''Right now, I don't care.'' Taylor dialed her number quickly, before she lost her nerve. He came over to stand beside her, shaking his head at her energy.

_''Hello?'' _Her mother sounded groggy and half awake. Oh, good, she thought vindictively. I hope she has a hangover.

''Mother? It's Taylor.'' Ryan raised his eyebrows at that and she shrugged.

_''Taylor? Where have you been? Do you know the excuses I had to make, the embarrassment of not knowing where you were? If you're in jail, young lady, you can just….''_

''Mother. Just come get me, okay? I don't have my purse, or I'd call a cab.'' Just as her mother started to gripe, Ryan spoke up.

''I told you, Tay, I'd be happy to drive you home.'' Where had he learned to do that? His tone of voice made driving her home sound like the dirtiest thing in the world. ''All the **way** home.'' She blushed furiously, unable to look away from his mischeviously sparkling eyes.

_''Taylor? Who is that? Where are you?'' _Her mother, her unyielding, all-powerful mother; sounded confused and upset.

''I'm at the Cohen's.''

_''Oh, for….if you're going to lie, Taylor, stick to a believable one, will you? Everyone know that Seth boy is wrapped up tight by Summer Roberts and I know you don't have the nerve to take __**her**__ on…..''_

''Seth's not the only boy living at the Cohen's, Mother.'' There was a little silence at the other end.

''I'm not sure I like being called a 'boy', Tay.'' Ryan leaned forward as he twisted the knife. Her mother gasped. She fought an insane urge to giggle. She thought of kissing him and did her part to torture her mother some more.

''Oh, no, Ryan.'' Taylor was really getting into this. ''You're definitely not a **boy**.'' She saw his eyes widen a bit at her sultry tone. She pressed her lips together firmly, then released them with a soft 'pop'. His gaze never left her lips as she faked the sound of a kiss.

_''I'll be there in twenty minutes.'' _Her mother ground out and hung up.

She set the Cohen's phone back in it's cradle and burst out laughing.

''How long have we got?'' Ryan asked, chucking a bit.

''Twenty minutes.'' The thought sobered her. And him as well.

''C'mon.'' He pulled her by hand upstairs to the guest room and started going through the drawers. Cussing, he went into the bath and started searching there. ''Got it.'' He came out with a little make-up bag and dumped the cosmetics on the dresser. ''Kirsten always leaves some stuff in here in case someone drops by unexpected. Here, you can put your jewelry in this.''

''I should take a shower, don't you think?'' She suggested, taking the bag.. ''Isn't there a …a smell, or something?'' She blushed at having to bring it up, but he nodded.

''Right. So, you take a shower….'' He waved a hand towards the bathroom and started pulling stuff out of the drawers. ''Sweats….socks….'' He looked up to find her still standing there. ''Taylor, we don't have much time….''

''Could I borrow your shirt?'' She asked quietly. ''It might be more convincing…..and I'd be sure to return it, really, once …..'' She shrugged, waving a hand around to indicate the predicament.

''Yeah.'' Ryan swallowed, then did the sexiest thing she'd ever seen. He pulled his shirt off; right there in front of her. With his shirt on, he was a hunk. With it off……. Breath, girl, breath; she told herself. He held out the black tee to her at arm's length, like he didn't dare get any closer. ''Here. Uhm….go ahead and keep it.''

''Okay.'' She took the shirt with shaking hands, trying not to snatch at it. Her eyes mapped his torso; roving over the skin she was aching to touch. ''Right.'' Their eyes locked, burning. He licked his lips.

''I'm ….I'm gonna take a shower, too. Y'know, for …..for realism. Yeah.'' He turned and went out as quickly as he could without running. Just before he shut the door behind him, she heard him mutter '' …very, very **cold **shower…''

She waited until she heard the door click shut before giving in to temptation and raising the shirt to her face. She couldn't believe she'd asked him for it. She couldn't believe he'd **given** it to her, let alone like** that**. She inhaled deeply, smiling. Catching sight of herself in the mirror, she froze. Who was **that**? The sultry smile, the confident expression and sparkling eyes …That couldn't be **her**, could it? Not if you don't get your butt in the shower, she told herself. Chop, chop.

Taylor had taken quicker showers, but none with such a cheerful attitude. She dressed quickly, hanging a towel around her shoulders to protect Ryan's shirt (!) from her wet hair. She grabbed the bag with her jewelry and underwear and draped her dress over her right arm so that it hid the bag. See-through was all very well for make-up, but she'd rather as few people as possible saw her carrying her underwear around. There hadn't been any underwear in the drawers and she'd decided, rather wickedly, she thought; not to wear any. She'd brushed her hair rapidly. It hadn't taken much to settle the strands into place, lying smoothly down her back. Peering into the foyer as she made her way down the stairs, she had to stop for a moment.

Ryan was standing, barefoot and shirtless, in front of the slightly ajar front door. Her heart stuttered as she imagined her mother here already. Common sense re-asserted itself, though; if her mother had been here, there'd be yelling. Mon dieu, would there be yelling. She took a moment longer to drool over him, watching a drop of water crawl down his toned back from his damp hair. Nice butt, fella, she thought to herself, seeing how….**firmly** he filled out the clean pair of jeans he was wearing. Her eyes traveled back upwards, meeting his gaze as……what? He'd turned to check the stairs, looking for her, and caught her ogling him. Blushing, she came the rest of the way down.

''Not here yet.'' He said as she joined him by the door. They stood in silence, watching out the crack. She started to fidget and he rested a calming hand on her shoulder. She imagined she could feel the connection between them, humming and content.

''That's her.'' She chokingly whispered as her mother's Miata started up the hill. Ryan pulled the towel off her shoulders and dropped it on the floor behind them. Her hair was damply cool against her back as she braced herself.

''Showtime.'' He whispered back. His hand on her shoulder pushed just a little bit and she stepped through the door; feeling as if she was stepping onto stage at school for drama club. Ryan followed her, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind. She jumped at the unexpected, but not unwelcome, move. ''How's her face?'' He mumbled against her neck. She felt his lips smiling against her skin and shivered, melting.

''Face?'' Right then, her mother was the furthest thing from Taylor's mind. This is the **absolute** best night of my entire **life.** Of **anyone's** life. She caught sight of her mother's face as the car pulled to a stop in the Cohen's drive. The morning's not too bad either, she thought; turning in Ryan's embrace.

It was his turn to be startled as she ran her free hand up his arm to his shoulder, following it's progress with her eyes. She continued the caress right up his neck to the nape, closing her eyes as he bent his head……..

_tbc_


	6. RyanB

Kissing Taylor Townsend was going to be the death of him, Ryan decided. Not that he cared, really. He felt energized, electric; despite the fact he'd been up all night.. At the same time, he felt calm, comfortable; like the feeling he got when he stepped into the pool house after the Cohen's adopted him. Home. Of all the girls (and women) he'd kissed, what was it about this one? Ours is not to question why, he quoted to himself.

''Taylor!'' That's her mother, his brain reminded him, you just **may** die if you don't stop. In a minute, he told himself. ''Taylor, get in the car!'' He was pretty sure the girl in his arms hadn't heard (or didn't care) because she slid her hand from his nape up into his hair. A relief, really, as he didn't know how much more of **that** particular sensation he could take. ''Now, Taylor!''

_''Now, Ryan!'' _His memory screamed at him. He pulled back, still encircling her with his arms. A quick look reassured. Veronica Townsend was brunette, not blond, and hung over, not drunk. He looked down at Taylor and saw her eyes glowing with amusement and desire. She stepped back, letting her free hand trail down his chest, keeping their gazes locked. He felt his skin tingling from where she'd been pressed against him, where she'd touched him. His hands dropped reluctantly from her waist.

''See you later?'' He asked, suddenly, desperately afraid that she'd climb into that car and vanish. The ache that had been building in him was derailed by the chill crawling along his spine. ''Today?''

''Sure.'' She smiled at him like sunrise, like starlight; like all the poetic things he'd never really understood. He felt he could understand them now. ''Later.''

''Taylor!'' The woman at the car was glaring at him. Nothing new there, mothers seemed to hate him on sight, most times. He hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and stared back, challenging and confident. Taylor was getting into the car when her mother made a smirking comment. ''You aren't that good, I see.'' She snarked at him. ''No bite marks, no scratches…'' Her daughter's face was flaming, she practically jumped into the seat and slammed the door. Oh, this woman really shouldn't have tried to play this game with him. He shrugged, grinning what Trey had called his I'm such a little shit' grin.

''Not anywhere that you can see, no.'' He winked, watching the woman's face go slack and pale, then red. He went back inside, closing the door slowly so he could check on Taylor. She was covering her mouth with one hand, trying not laugh. She got control of it as he mother finally shook off her shock and got in the car. He closed the door so he wouldn't have to watch it drive away.

He picked up the towel lying on the foyer floor, still grinning a bit. The house was empty, again, but it seemed …..warmer somehow. Like a hummingbird had fluttered briefly in. He policed up the guest room, picked up her shoes and stockings from the (now clean) kitchen. Checking his sneakers, he thought they'd probably recover. He put them in the laundry room to dry out. **Her** shoes, however …Shrugging, he tossed them in the trash. He'd promised to buy her a new pair, anyway, right? And it was a great excuse to see her again.

Ryan changed and got into bed, feeling the drag of fatigue finally pulling at him. What **was** it about this girl? He silently asked the ceiling, hands behind his head. She was beautiful, true, but it was of a different type from Marissa. Marissa was …..fragile, he supposed, like …..like an ancient Ming vase. Lovely, but nothing you could touch without tragedy. Taylor …..Taylor was more like …..a cameo, he thought, classic and enduring. Or, maybe, one of those marble Greco-Roman statues. Solid, dependable; but breathtaking in their understated elegance.

He snorted at himself. Apparently, that art history class last semester had more of an effect than he thought. So, was it just her looks? He rolled onto his side and punched his pillow. He was so tired and he couldn't stop thinking about her, trying to figure her out. God, his mind just wouldn't shut up about this. He was used to not being able to stop thinking about girls, but it was usually their bodies he was obsessing over. Not that her body wasn't…..he pulled his thoughts off that track. He didn't need another ice bath of a shower. Though the look on her face when he'd handed her his shirt…. He smiled inwardly, remembering; remembering, too, how she'd looked wearing it. So……comfortable. Honestly unaware of how devastating she looked.

That was probably what was reeling him in so fast, he thought. She was so **honest**, so open…… He got the feeling that if he pursued this, there wouldn't be any games, no playing around. Look at the kiss. Or rather, the suggestion of the kiss. She hadn't wanted to play even that game; the 'we're just friends' game. She'd wanted to know, so they could deal with it and move on from there. That was another thing, he mused, the way she just…..deals. Like, if something happened; she'd get all the facts, every detail, nod, and come up with a brilliant plan. Or just accept that sometimes, shit happens, and handle it as best she could; asking for help if she needed it, but only then.

So, she was attractive, capable, intelligent, honest, more than a little crazy…..He could see her, if he closed his eyes, sitting at the kitchen counter going on about some book he'd never heard of. She hadn't made him feel low-class or stupid, not once in all the times, including that one, that he'd had to confess not knowing what she was talking about. 'Imagine having that to look forward to' she'd laughed, encouraging him to look it up. For her, he felt he wanted to. After all, she'd listened to him ramble on and on about cars; eyes not glazing over even once despite the fact she obviously didn't know one make from another. Had he offered to go car shopping with her? Maybe, he couldn't remember. Sleep overtook him as he was trying to recall.

_Ryan was walking on the beach. One more week and school would start. Sandy had gone to visit Kirsten for the weekend and he'd finally convinced Seth that if he didn't start spending some quality time with Summer, he'd lose her. He'd been regretting that decision fifteen minutes later as the house echoed around him. He'd gone to the beach, trying to deal with what was going on inside him. The depressed feeling, the feeling that there was no light or hope in the world; that none of it was worth a damn, followed him all the way down to the water._

_The dark waves seemed to whisper a promise of peace to him; of release from the emotional torment that made him want to hit something, to run, to fall to his knees with pain that was somehow physical. They promised ….all he had to do was walk forward until it was too late. He knew he wouldn't, knew the promise was a lie; but the seductive surf continued to murmur to him. He tried to think of something, something to do, to snap him out of this dark mood. Maybe a movie, some ridiculously overdone anime of Seth's, he thought, turning to go back to the house. That's when he saw her. _

_A lone silhouette, tilting her head back into the moonlight. There was a promise of peace there, too, brighter and truer than the promise of the waves. Like a siren, she pulled at him, drawing him down the beach to her side. When he'd realized who she was, he somehow hadn't been surprised. Something deep down was even glad. And when she'd looked up at him, eyes wide……he would've sworn, for an instant, that her eyes were silver. Gleaming like moonlight, like starlight. Shining light gently into his darkness. _

_There was an irritating chirping noise. He looked around for the cause, Taylor and the memory frozen in front of him. What the hell……_

Ryan reached groggily out and snagged the phone off his nightstand.

''What?'' He snapped. The best part about his dream was that it wasn't a dream and he wanted to get back to it.

_''Ryan? It's…'' _

''Taylor.'' He shifted, turned onto his back, not moving the phone from his ear. This was better than the dream. ''Hey.''

_''Hey.''_ There was a brief pause before his brain totaled up the reasons she could be calling.

''Everything go okay?'' He asked warily. If that mother of hers hadn't bought it…..Her laughter calmed his fears.

_''Well, she had some condescending things to say about my taste….'' _he opened his mouth to comment _''….and if you say __**one**__ word about 'taste', Ryan….'' _It was his turn to laugh. _''She's actually off my case. She went out to un-hire ….that guy, so I just grabbed my usual four and woke up wanting to make sure…..'' _She hesitated, he could almost see her biting her lip in that way she did when she was being shy.

''Make sure it wasn't a dream.'' He finished.

_''Yeah.'' _They sat there, letting the phone connect them. He smiled when she spoke up again. He was coming to expect her chatter, even enjoy it. _''I was just, well, wondering….why? Why did you talk to me? Why was I able to help when your family….. I mean, yes, sometimes it's better to talk to a stranger, but any good therapist …..and I don't want to be a therapist for you and…..'' _

''Taylor.'' He had to interrupt or she'd go off on this tangent and break it off before they even started. He knew that move, pushing people away before they have a chance to hurt you; he knew it better than he really should. ''I guess…..'' How to say this without sounding like he thought of her as a therapist, because he definitely didn't. ''Uhn…..I think it's like…..y'know, in a rainstorm, the creepy tree out back without the branches is ….well, it's dark and depressing and hopeless……..then…..then the rain stops, and the moon comes out a little, just a little and…….and the tree is covered with these little silver crystal drops….and you realize …….'' He ground to a halt. When had he gotten so fucking poetic?

_''You realize it's beautiful.''_ Taylor breathed. He nodded, even though she couldn't see. _''So, I'm, uhm, the tree?'' _Christ, is that what she thought? He wanted to snap the neck of everyone who'd ever made her feel like a freak, starting with Veronica Townsend.

''Taylor, you're the moonlight.'' Her soft little 'oh' made him smile in satisfaction. Who said he couldn't be romantic? And what was wrong with being poetic? As long as no one else ever found out, that is. The silence stretched out and he mentally counted the seconds. Sure enough, after about forty, she spoke again.

_''Tell me a secret.'' _ Ryan snorted. Things with this girl might not be quiet, but they'd certainly be interesting.

''We already did that, remember?''

_''Yes, we did, I know, it's just ……I'm sharing those with other people. Not the same other people for each one, but … Tell me a __**real**__ secret, something you've never told anyone.'' _She wanted a connection to him, he thought, something to bind them beyond the kiss. She wouldn't tell anyone, he knew; not like Marissa and that damn Snoopy shit.

''Let me think.'' What could he share? Everyone knew he was afraid of heights thanks, again, to Marissa. She'd never been very good at keeping his secrets. With a chill, he realized that girl could never find out about Hailey. It'd be all over Newport in five minutes. Think, he told himself, this is Taylor. You can trust her. Trust made him think of Trey, of Chino…..yeah, he had something. ''Uhm. Okay, got it. You know, well, you **don't**….Do you know how strange it is that I don't have any tattoos?''

_''You mean, considering you're a boy from Chino who's been to Juvie and hung out with ……well, the people you probably hung out with?'' _He nodded and she continued like she'd seen it. _''I just figured you hadn't …..well, that you hadn't killed someone, or done whatever criminal activity is required for……..'' _He slid his free hand under his head as the coin dropped at the other end of the line. _''Ryan, are you scared of needles?'' _

''Not scared, exactly.'' He corrected. ''Just…it's like knives or bullets, y'know? The thought of a foreign object in my body……'' He shuddered.

_''Guess it would depend on the foreign object.'' _

''Taylor!"' He scolded, laughing. He liked that, the way she made him see the bright side of things, teased him out of his brooding spells. ''What about you?''

_''Oh, right, me.'' _She was quiet for a bit. _''I don't suppose the stalking scrapbooks count?'' _

''You already told me about that.'' He teased, tone light. ''By the way, do I have any pictures in any of those?''

_''Oh, a few.'' _She was teasing back. _''Five scrapbooks isn't much, right?''_

''That's a little creepy, Taylor.'' He laughed, though. ''Flattering, but …..oh, nice attempt.''

_''What?'' _

''You changed the subject.'' Ryan accused teasingly. ''Now I'm curious. Do you ….'' He let mock horror enter his voice. '' …you don't buy off the rack, do you?''

_''Ryan!'' _She giggled at him. He was glad he'd remembered the term from one of Summer's rants. He knew he didn't have a chance of naming a designer correctly. _''No, it's……I can't swim.'' _

''Well, it's not aqua phobia if you're going for walks on the beach.'' He observed. Since when did he talk like this? Was he….he was, he was showing off for this girl. He hadn't done that since he hit puberty. And it had been cool' he was showing off, not brains. ''Probably something to do with your mother, bitch queen that she is.''

_''Ryan!'' _She giggled again. _''What if she was listening?'' _

''What if she was?'' He shrugged. Women like that didn't deserve the courtesy of being treated like ladies, in his opinion.

_''wow'' _She seemed amazed he wasn't intimidated by her mother. After all he'd been through, even that queen bitch of a Newpsie didn't have the power to frighten him. _''Okay, that's going to take getting used to.'' _He counted the seconds again, grinning to himself when she didn't even last forty this time. _''I've got a great idea. And it'll give us a perfect excuse to get together! I mean, besides driving my mother up the wall. You could teach me how to swim!'' _ Yeah, his body, whispered. Bad idea, his mind muttered.

''I don't think that's such a good idea ….''

_''Oh, right, well, I'm sure we'll see each …''_

''…because if I have to deal with you soaking wet in a bikini…'' he cut in '' ….well, let's just say I wouldn't be thinking about swimming.''

_''Oh. Oh! Right, I didn't think that through.'' _ She sounded a little breathless and Ryan was reminded of the way her eyes had widened when he'd given her his shirt. The way she'd been checking him out coming down the stairs. _''I'll definitely have to wear the French-cut, then, with the spaghetti straps.''_

''Taylor!'' He shouted, sitting up in protest. Hearing her laugh nearly distracted him from the image that had instantly popped into his head when she'd said 'French-cut'. He may not know designers, but he knew what **that** meant. The thought of Taylor wearing that…..his blood started heating up. ''You're evil, you know that?'' Knowing he was about to be talked into it. ''Look….''

''ATWOOD!'' The shout came at the same time the front door slammed. Ryan hoped Summer hadn't cracked the glass.

_''Ryan?'' _

''Summer's here.'' Why would she be here? And why was she …..oh. '' Shit. I was supposed to meet her and Seth to go school shopping.''

_''When?'' _

''Uhm….'' He looked over at his alarm clock and winced. Twelve-thirty. ''Half an hour ago?'' Summer came out of the kitchen door and glared at him, black eyes flashing. He could see Seth peering timidly out the kitchen window. No reinforcements, then. ''She's pissed.'' She started towards him and he looked down to make sure that, yes, he was still covered by his blankets. He turned under them to sit on the edge of the bed, not looking forward to this confrontation. ''I don't suppose you could come over and protect me?'' He was only half-teasing.

_''I can't drive __**that**__ fast, Ryan.'' _ He nodded, watching Summer yank open the door. She frowned to find him on the phone and he held up a finger to forestall the tirade. _'.I could meet you, though. You do owe me that pair of shoes, after all. And this'll be a great time to meet your friends. I mean, your other friends. You probably haven't eaten yet, so …..meet you at the Chili's near Fashion Island?''_

''Yeah, sounds good.'' Summer put her hands on her hips and glared. ''See you in thirty?''

_''See you then!'' _ Taylor hung up and he was left alone with Summer Roberts. Having Taylor to look forward to, though, made him fearless. Even of Little Miss Vixen.

''Who was that?'' She snapped at him. ''Why didn't you meet us? Seth's been worried, I've been worried. Why are you still….'' Her eyes narrowed. ''You didn't have some skank over last night, did you?'' He was surprised at the surge of anger he felt.

''You're a friend; so I'm gonna forget you said that.'' Ryan ground out, eyes cold. She blinked and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time since storming into the pool house. A strange look came over her face, her anger replaced with concern. ''Now, while I have been up all night, it's not what you think.''

''Who are you meeting, then? Why didn't you call to tell us you were canceling? What were you doing all ni…'' Her voice stopped on a choked note when he tossed the blankets aside and stood. He knew he'd never get a word in edgewise, she was worse than Seth like that. Shock had the best chance of shutting her up.

''I'm not canceling, I'm introducing my new friend to my old friends.'' He gripped her arm gently and started walking her towards the door. ''Now we're meeting her in thirty minutes, so let me get dressed and you can interrogate me in the car, okay?''

Ryan closed the door firmly behind her and grinned to himself. The look on her face …… He grabbed some clothes and went into the bathroom. He couldn't believe he was actually looking forward to shopping, of all things. Of course, with Taylor there, it couldn't possibly be boring. She was ….crazy and exhilarating and ….well, fun. He missed fun, missed the simple, uncomplicated pleasure of just hanging out. He splashed water on his face and caught himself in the mirror, still grinning. This was going to be fun.


	7. SummerB

Summer stood outside the pool house and blinked for a minute. He'd just given her a reminder of why she'd pursued him the night of the fashion show. Boxers and wife-beater may never conquer the runways, but they worked for him. Boy, did they work for him. Seeing Seth's curious face peering at her from the kitchen, she smiled. He was so sweet. That was far more her type, she knew, she just wasn't used to seeing Ryan….like that. She joined her boyfriend in the kitchen.

''You let him live?'' Seth joked, shaking his head at her. '' What brought on this gift of mercy? Just in case I need it later, purely for defense, of course and is he coming or not? Because that guy hasn't left the house since your birthday, which was ..''

''A month ago, I remember, Cohen.'' She snapped, not really angry at him, just at the reminder.

Marissa hadn't remembered, she thought. Her best friend had forgotten her birthday. Only she didn't suppose they were best friends anymore, not after that horrid fight. When she'd gone over the day after her birthday and Marissa had said she hadn't thought about it, that it was juvenile and selfish. Then she'd proceeded to chatter on about her new friends like nothing was wrong, like Summer's pain meant nothing. For the first time, she'd gone rage blackout on Marissa. She'd shouted; she'd yelled about all the stupid things the girl was doing. How Ryan was right, how her friend should get help, professional help. And Marissa had told her to get out, that she wasn't Julie, that she never wanted to see her again. The bedroom door had slammed in her face.

She'd gone straight home and her father, taking one look at her expression, had broken out the Haagen-Dazs. She'd told him everything (well, except details about her and Seth, no father needed to hear **that**) and finally accepted from the one person she trusted above all others that Marissa was a lost cause. 'As long as she has a support structure, she's not going to stop' he'd said. He'd told her a story about his days as an intern, leaving out the gross bits; when he'd realized that he wouldn't be able to save everyone. So she'd stopped being friends with Marissa. It had been hard. Especially when Marissa called, inviting Summer to parties and clubs and to go shopping. But she hadn't once even apologized, Summer thought morosely. She wasn't going to talk to her if she wouldn't apologize first. That was a month ago and she was about to start senior year, which was supposed to be awesome; with a great boyfriend, yes, but no other friends aside from Ryan. Speak of the devil, she thought.

''Hey.''

''Hey, Ryan, where were you man, we were waiting, and waiting and what are you looking for?'' Seth asked, as they watched him sift through drawers in the newly clean kitchen. And when had that happened? Not that she minded, the smell was getting a little much.

''Sleeping.'' Ryan answered. ''And I'm looking for my cell phone.'' Seth nodded and joined in the search, chattering.

''I did it.'' Both boys looked at her, brows furrowed. Moments like that, she was sure Ryan was a long lost twin. If this were The Valley, he would've been. ''It was the morning after the breakup. I was over to see Cohen and…'' She shrugged. ''One rage blackout later, little cell phone pieces.''

''Guess that's why Marissa hasn't called me.'' Ryan closed the drawer he'd been looking in. He sounded…..he looked …..easy, casual; like he had before everything had gotten so hard. He was still looking around, though.

''Watch?'' Seth queried. His brother tapped the device on one wrist. ''Wallet? Keys?'' Ryan patted his pockets in answer.

''Jacket.'' Summer frowned as his response, looking around as well.

''When's the last time you saw it?'' Seth asked. Ryan's gaze went inward for a while, then he got an embarrassed look.

''Never mind.'' He motioned the two of them towards the door. ''I'll get a new one.''

''Wait, where did you leave it, Ryan, and what's her name?'' Seth was such a ….boy sometimes. ''Is it a story you can tell in mixed company? Ow.'' Summer hit him and gave him her 'shut up' look. They went out to the Rover and climbed in, Ryan taking the keys from Seth to drive. ''Okay, no sordid adventures from Kid Chino. Got it.''

''No, there's other things we have to talk about.'' Summer belted herself in the shotgun seat. ''Like, who we're meeting in twenty minutes.''

''We're meeting someone? Who? Where? You invited someone along? Do we know them?'' Seth was looking at her. She nodded towards Ryan. Seth's eyes widened.

''I invited her.'' Ryan never took his eyes off the road. She normally liked that he was such a competent driver, but right now she wanted to see his eyes. She'd thought, in the pool house, that she'd seen that light back in his eyes, like he was living again. Then she'd lost her train of thought when he'd stood up. ''Don't scream or anything, okay?''

''Oh, god, who is it? Kaitlyn? Lindsay? Anna? Holly? Jesse?'' Seth probably would've gone through the entire list of people they knew if Ryan hadn't spoken.

''Taylor Townsend.'' There was a little tug of a smile when he said the name. If she hadn't been watching she wouldn't have seen it. Wait a minute….

''Taylor Townsend?!'' Okay, she was in one of those weird movies Seth was always going on about, the ones where people went to strange and alien places. She expected to hear creepy music in the background any minute. ''Taylor Freak show Townsend?'' There was a squeal of tires, horns blaring as Ryan cut across traffic and pulled them over onto the side of the road. People driving by shot them rude gestures, but he was too busy glaring at her to see them, eyes chips of blue ice.

''It's a good thing you're a girl, Roberts.'' He growled. Oh, he was pissed. She'd hadn't seen him this ticked off since the night of the breakup. Unlike her, Ryan didn't do rage blackouts, over and done. He did the slow burn or the violent flare and never forgot, although he did occasionally forgive.

''Ryan, that's my girlfriend you're talking to.'' Seth's voice was tight, terrified, but he would try to take on even Ryan to protect her. It was sweet and so ….him. It was suicidal, but it was very sweet.

''Shut up, Seth.'' Ryan snarled. Oh, yeah, very pissed. He was never rude to Seth, ever. ''This girl …Taylor, she's important. We're friends and, yes..'' he glared into the back seat at Seth, who flinched ''….we're headed towards something more. I don't care what kind of rep she's got, you are going to give her a chance. And if either one of you can't handle that, you can get out right here and walk.'' He took a deep breath, working his jaw.

''Ryan, I'm sorry, it's just a bit of a shock, you know? You don't leave the house for a month, and all of a sudden…'' She waved her hands in the air between them.

''Yeah, all of a sudden you're cheerful and seeing Taylor Townsend, which is a twelve on the one to ten scale of weirdness, by the way, and…..okay, dude, Taylor Townsend? Seriously? That's insane.'' Ryan's mouth quirked.

''Well, I guess after living with you, I've got an immunity.'' Summer laughed.

''That's not…''Seth started, expression hurt. She met his eyes in the mirror and saw the same hope under his false sulking. Ryan was joking. He was smiling, or trying to smile. They were getting their friend back. And if Taylor Townsend had anything to do with it, she'd give her a medal.

''Okay, Ryan, we'll give her a chance.'' Summer declared, pointing at the steering wheel until Ryan pulled them back out into traffic, once more the careful driver. ''It turned out all right with Cohen, after all.''

''Yeah, bro, it…hey!'' She and Ryan laughed at his reaction. Maybe she didn't need to see his eyes; though she wanted to, just to make sure. ''We gotta make sure she's worthy, you know? Give her the best friend stamp of approval and aren't we going the wrong way? Diner is….'' Seth waved a hand in the other direction.

''She's meeting us at Chili's. In the mall.'' Summer felt a thrill. The girl liked Chili's. Maybe this could work.

They rode the rest of the way to the mall, Ryan ignoring Seth's questions with, she thought, massive patience. The guy was her boyfriend and she was ready to smack him. They made their way through the throng of other teenagers and stood in the seating area, peering around to see if Taylor was there yet.

''I see her.'' Summer spotted her, at a table for four near the back. Her hair was caught back at her neck and she was wearing her usual outfit of polo shirt and dress slacks. Summer was glad she'd chosen to wear a blouse and slacks (trying to put herself in a 'school' mood) rather than her seasonal outfit of jeans and a bikini top. ''She looks scared.''

''She probably is.'' Ryan said quietly. She looked over at him and saw how warily he was watching her. Was he afraid she was going to be mean to Taylor? Well, given her track record with trying to stay in the popular crowd….. She turned her head back to the other girl and saw her face light up with a brilliant smile as she caught sight of Ryan. She raised her hand in an eager wave, then blushed and dropped it, looking self-conscious.

''Well any girl who likes Chili's….'' Summer led the way over, the boys falling into step behind her.

''She's not bad, dude, no Summer, but still…'' Seth was whispering. There the sound of soft blow as they reached the table. Summer saw Taylor's eyes widen as they approached and decided that the girl wasn't scared of her. She was terrified.

''Summer, Seth, Ryan.'' The other girl stood, her voice only a little shaky. ''Glad you could come.'' That soft, sincere smile was only for Ryan; the one she shot Summer and Seth was more practice, more artificial. Well, really, what reason does she have to smile at me? Summer told herself.

''Me, too.'' Summer grabbed the chair next to Taylor's and smiled sincerely at the other girl as she sat. She'd promised to try, after all. And she didn't like that the other girl was afraid of her. She was a nice person, just ask Seth. ''Anyone who can get Atwood to shop, willingly, has got some serious Mojo.''

''Yeah. We had to threaten him with a chick flick marathon to get him to agree to shop with us. You invite him out and I'm pretty sure we broke the sound barrier on the way over.'' Seth ducked Ryan's hand and sat down across from Taylor. Ryan took the remaining seat facing Summer. Good, she could watch him without being obvious. There was a brief silence, Seth charging in just as Taylor opened her mouth. ''So, where did you two crazy kids meet? Because we've heard nothing, absolutely nothing about you until this morning and why are you kicking me, sweetie?''

''Must just be my leg, twitching, Cohen.'' She gritted out of a smile. She wanted to know, too, but there were better ways to ask, for crying out loud. She loved the guy, but he sometimes had all the tact and grace of a drunken elephant. ''What he means is, we didn't even know Ryan was ….well, seeing anyone.''

''Oh, that's a cute little story.'' Taylor said. ''Although, maybe we should order first? That way we can chat and catch up.'' She said it without irony, just like they'd been friends last year. Summer felt the beginnings of shame and picked up her menu to hide her expression.

''Sure.'' Ryan agreed, picking up his own menu.

They all ordered their food, Taylor choosing the chicken salad with iced tea. Was the other girl getting in a dig? She didn't seem to think anything of the order, there'd been no malice in her voice. Summer was reminded of Lindsay, suddenly, and that girl's amazement at the eating habits of two girls who were in 'such great shape'. Taylor didn't look like she needed to worry about her weight, though, and she said so.

''What a nice thing to say!'' Taylor smiled at her, sincerely flattered, Summer thought. She was being struck more and more by the other's open, friendly nature. She was like a more energetic Anna, with the added benefit of not being after Seth. ''No, I just don't like Mexican food that much, is all, and I wasn't really in the mood for anything fried or grilled.''

''You don't like Mexican and you picked Chili's?'' Summer asked, wondering if she'd picked it for the convenience or for some wacky Cohen-like reason. ''Why?''

''Well, it's my favorite restaurant.'' Summer twitched, shocked. She and Taylor liked the same places? What else did they have in common, she wondered ''Everyone always seems to be having fun. The atmosphere is just so …..'' She waved her hand, searching for the right word.

''Friendly.'' Summer finished. That was why she liked it, aside from the great food, of course.

''Yes!'' The girls smiled at each other. For the first time, both sides meant it honestly.

''It's my favorite, too.'' The brunette confessed. ''That's just a little weird, though. I mean, who would've thought we'd have the same favorite restaurant?''

''Or favorite fruit.'' Ryan grinned at the other girl, who returned his gaze, smile turning mega-watt. They stared at each other, sharing and ignoring the others. She didn't need Seth's nudging or the faces he was making to see it. There were sparks. Definite romantic-type sparks. It was so cute. She sent a glare to her boyfriend in warning. He wasn't to get involved and mess this up for either of them. His last attempt at match-making had broken Alex's heart.

''Okay, so, now do we get the story?'' Seth pleaded, sounding like a little kid. He didn't seem to have gotten the message of her look. ''Car break down at our driveway? You dial the wrong number? Takeout delivered to the wrong house?''

''Oh, no, nothing so contrived.'' Taylor fiddled with her straw. ''I was just walking on the beach, and I was so upset from this rotten party that I didn't realize where I was until Ryan..'' She canted a mock glare at him out of the corner of her eyes ''…startled me and made me ruin my shoes. Don't think I've forgotten you owe me a new pair, mister.''

''You'll get your shoes, woman.'' Ryan teased, holding up a hand like he was warding her off. Summer saw the light in his eyes, the way he didn't look away from Taylor for more than a minute. She felt herself letting go of her concern for him. The light was so back, in spades, yet. He was living again.

''So, he very gallantly invited me up for coffee and we got to talking and, well…'' She shrugged. ''Next thing we knew, it was morning.''

''Talked? Ryan talked?'' Seth sounded amazed. Summer **was** amazed.

''I was wrong, girl, you don't have Mojo, you have super powers.'' She touched the other girl's arm. ''You so totally have to tell me your secret. Well, in reverse. With Cohen, it's getting him to shut up.'' Taylor giggled.

''Hey!'' Both boys protested in unison. Ryan mumbled that he wasn't 'that bad' and Seth started to ramble about how he was just being communicative because 'girls like that'. She and Taylor exchanged a look of shared understanding. **Boys**.

The food came and Seth started to talk about the movies that had come out this summer, and what was going on in his comic books, and what kind of music he wanted to look for. Taylor came back at him with the same rate of chatter, a little more sophisticated and less self-involved, but the girl was definitely holding her own. Summer and Ryan shared an amused glance and she let the last of her concern go, relaxing. He really was okay.

''….and I was just trying to figure out what to do with Cosmo Girl.'' Uh-oh. Marissa. Not a subject she thought was fit for this group. She was opening her mouth to comment when Taylor nodded, expression thoughtful.

''Yes, it's a problem. On the one hand, you don't want to lose the reader by making the solution too complex. Then again, you can't go too Disney and have a simple, one shot answer. Maybe something to do with the power to bring her back from darkness being within her all along.'' Summer was surprised at the answer. She knew, in the same type of situation; Marissa would've taken the opportunity to get in a shot at a rival, even a former rival.

''You read Atomic County?'' She asked, curious. She thought only geeks read that stuff, and Taylor was too classy to be a geek.

''You don't?'' The other girl seemed honestly surprised. ''If I was a character in that comic, I wouldn't miss an issue, especially if my boyfriend was writing it. Not that I miss an issue anyway, it's interesting to see a new take happenings in our little burg''

''I don't need to read his little fantasies about me in leather.'' Summer shrugged.

''But that's not it at all, Summer.'' Taylor protested. ''It's a strong, determined woman, well, girl, who isn't afraid to take charge and get things done. How did that one forum put it?'' She was on forums? Or, rather, her character was on forums? She and Seth needed to have a long talk about how widespread this stuff was. That many people knowing about her, even a fake her, was a little nervous making. ''Oh, yes; 'a powerful feminist symbol that doesn't give up her femininity'. Like Wonder Woman, but with better fashion sense.''

''I guess I never thought of it like that.'' She looked contemplatively at Seth.

''See, I told you it wasn't what you thought. Just because I made Marissa the bad guy…''

''I have to go.'' Summer stood and went to the bathroom. She didn't want to think of her former friend as a bad guy, not even in Seth's stupid comic book. She was dabbing at her face with a wet washcloth to calm her nerves when Taylor walked in. Oh, great. She may have been nice in front of Ryan, but now…..

''You can talk about her, you know.'' The other girl was saying, her hands fidgeting. ''I don't mind. I …I never really knew her, I guess, just competed with her for social chair and was jealous of how popular she was and ….''

''And now you're dating her ex. Congratulations. '' Summer regretted the comment instantly, seeing the hurt in the other's eyes. Ryan was going to kill her.

''I know what it looks like. Ryan and me. I know it's …..'' She looked down. ''I know it's not pity or anything like that, but …..if it's a rebound thing…..'' She bit her lip.

''Oh, Taylor, I didn't mean it like that.'' She wanted to comfort her, it wasn't right to make everyone to be miserable because she missed her friend. And this girl had fixed Ryan, or at least gotten him over a major hurdle. She deserved respect, if only for that. She's trying to be nice, Summer scolded herself, you should do the same. ''I've known Marissa a long time, is all, and not being her friend is harder than I thought. I didn't mean to take it out on you, that's all. I'm really sorry.''

''You're not friends anymore? But…'' Taylor stared at her. ''But…you guys have been friends **forever**. It's like…like a law of physics or something.'' That was a pretty sweet thing to say, honestly.

''Well, your friend doesn't forget your birthday.'' Summer commented bitterly.

''It's your birthday? Why didn't you say? We can do something special, buy you an original Chanel blouse or something.'' She was amazed at how eager the girl was. She was just so friendly. And she couldn't help but smile at the sheer energy underlying the kind intent.

''It was a month ago.'' Summer said, interrupting Taylor's planning. She actually looked disappointed she'd missed it. ''Seth gave me this.'' She stuck out her arm, charm bracelet dangling. A red heart stood out among the silver charms of a mermaid, a sombrero, a sports ball, a nurse's hat, a vendor cart, a tiny 'Little Miss Vixen', and the astrological symbol for Virgo. She'd nearly bopped him one for that, before realizing no one else was going to get it.

''It's beautiful.'' Taylor touched the heart reverently. ''He really loves you, anyone can see it.'' Her tone was wistful, wanting.

''It's not a rebound thing.'' She met the girl's startled look squarely, smiling a little. ''I've seen Atwood on the rebound before.''

''Lindsay.'' The other girl whispered. Summer nodded, too busy making her point to really care if Ryan had told her or she'd picked up on the gossip.

''Yeah, and this….'' Summer waved her hand at Taylor and shook her head. ''He's going **shoe shopping**. That's a lot, girl.''

''Do you think….do you think he's really over Marissa?'' Taylor licked her lips. ''I mean, your first love…..do you ever really recover? And she's so…..''

''If it was even four months ago, I would've said that you didn't stand a chance. Now….'' Summer twisted her bracelet around and around her wrist. ''Ryan's not the only one she's hurt. She hasn't been a friend, a true friend, to any of us in a long while.''

''If you ever need to talk….'' Taylor offered. Summer felt her set a hand on her shoulder. ''Just because she's not ….being herself doesn't mean you have to forget her.''

''That's so ….'' Summer sniffled. ''You're so right. I need to get on with it and remember Coop when she was my friend. Maybe someday we'll be friends again.'' She hugged the other quickly, briefly. ''Thanks, new friend.''

She was sure she was hallucinating on the way back to the table. Who clapped and hopped like a little kid like that? Although……it was a little cute, in a Taylor Townsend kind of way. Seth welcomed her back with a kiss and a concerned look. She shook her head and smiled at him. Ryan was looking over her shoulder, then switched his glance to her. Whatever he saw in Taylor's face, he approved; because that smile, brief though it was, let her know she was forgiven for her catty comments in the car.

I thought we were shopping, you bums! Let's motor!''

They went to the cell phone place first, and she thought it was so cute the first thing he did with his phone was program in Taylor's number. Taylor thought it was great, too, hugging him excitedly as Seth made kissy faces. She and Ryan smacked opposite shoulders at the same time. The shoe store was next, Seth escaping almost instantly to the comic shop. Ryan was harder to get rid of, but Taylor said she'd ring him when it came time to buy and he vacated with a grateful look. Summer took the opportunity to get to know her newfound friend, finding that they had much more in common than she had ever thought. Sure, the other girl had a forceful personality, was strong-willed and tended to speak her mind…..Now who does that remind you of, she asked her reflection in the store's mirror. Be honest, now.

Despite her Seth-like chatter, she was a fantastic listener; giving equal time to Summer and her problems and actually coming up with advice. And it was good advice, too, sensible and occasionally so simple; she kicked herself for not thinking of it first. 'Forest for the trees' Tay (she hadn't used the nickname aloud, yet) had said 'Sometimes it takes an outside view'. They'd giggled as they tried the stiletto heels, balancing against each other. She'd been ecstatic to find that Tay had a love of high fashion, although she tended to prefer the classic, less exposed style. The boys had come when called, Ryan insisted Seth had to support his purchase of Taylor's pumps by buying Summer her shoes. Which was nice, despite his whining about her depleting his entire budget in one go. The boys had shown off their purchases, Seth with some anime she was sure she'd be watching later. Taylor, however, was enthused about it and the two took the lead to where they were going to buy Ryan his jacket and fall fashion for the girls.

''Out with it, Atwood.'' She urged as the two of them ended up walking together by default. He kept shooting her these curious looks and they were getting closer to the clothes. She didn't want to be talking to him and trying to pick out couture.

''You two seem to be hitting it off.'' There were tons of implied questions in that. Was he really asking her what she thought? She checked his expression and thought that, yes, he was probably checking with the only female (besides Kirsten) he trusted. She was so flattered. She thought about it for a long moment, not needing the time but enjoying watching him squirm a bit.

''She's great, I like her. She's friendly and knows fashion almost as well as me.'' She finally declared, letting him off the hook. He sighed a little in relief. She grabbed his arm and turned him roughly to face her, surprising him. He twitched a bit, but let her manhandle him. ''But I gotta tell you, Atwood, if this is a rebound thing, you better tell her now, because….''

''It's not. It's not like Lindsay. It's…..'' He searched for words, licking his lips. She crossed her arms and eventually started tapping her foot. If he could talk to Taylor, he could talk to her. Or his old cell phone wouldn't be the only thing in pieces. ''It just…..it feels…..I dunno…..'' He stuck his hands in his pockets, looking a little silly with bags hanging off his wrists. ''She's amazing and everything…….there's just this…..'' He shrugged and she wanted to smack him. C'mon, Ryan, we ain't got all day, she thought. ''We just…clicked, I guess.'' She smiled at him. Finally, he admitted there was something there. Took him long enough. He took his hands out of his pockets and grinned at her mischeviously. ''Not to mention that **kiss**. I mean, **wow**.'' She blinked and poked him in the chest.

''Don't think I'm gonna let you weasel out of **that** story, Atwood.'' They'd kissed? Already? She weighed the possibility of this just being physical against all she'd seen that day and discarded it. No, this wasn't just a hook-up, they were both serious about it in their own unique, slightly off-beat way. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad an idea to help it along. So long as she kept Seth out of it.

''I don't kiss and tell, Roberts.'' He smirked at her.

''You just did.'' She punched him lightly in the shoulder. ''I'm warning you, Atwood, if you hurt her, I'm gonna make that cage fighting thing of yours look like dancing. We clear?''

''Yes, Summer.'' He agreed, mock-meekly. It was a fairly decent Seth impression and she snorted. She grabbed his arm and dragged him over to where their friends were waiting.

''Now, let's shop.''


	8. SethB

Seth was enjoying this shopping trip a lot more than he thought he was going to when Summer had suggested it. He'd thought it was a great idea to get Ryan out of the house for a change, and with school coming up; it was a perfect excuse. And their chances of running into Marissa were slim, at best. Any torture, even shopping, was worth it to get his friend involved in things other than video games and watching movies. Not that that wasn't important, but even Seth was starting to get bored with it, and that meant it had gone on far, far too long.

First on the high points was Taylor's miraculous transformation of his brother from morose and brooding to this laughing, teasing, smiling guy. He could get used to having this guy around, it was the best version of Ryan, so far. He'd only had a few quiet moments where he looked dejected but the new addition to their group was always quick to josh him out of it. Girl had a real gift for knowing just the right thing to say and he was looking forward to a new core four.

Second was Taylor's unexpected interest in all things manga and anime, giving them something to fill the silences with. And even with Ryan's new attitude, there were still a lot of silences. He was flattered she read Atomic County, since she seemed a little more particular about her graphic novel selections than he was; so it was nice to know he made the cut. He had to come up with a character for her if she was going to be Ryan's girlfriend. Something energetic and dazzling, yet confident and together. He'd have to log a little Seth/Ryan time to get enough information to give the character it's proper depth. No, giving how little even new Ryan talked, it was going to have to be a** lot** of Seth/Ryan time.

Third high point was the budding friendship with his Summer. He knew his girlfriend didn't think he'd noticed how sad she was lately, missing Marissa, but he had. He'd just been trying to constantly distract her, avoiding the subject so he wouldn't upset her. Of course, it figured she'd been wanting to do the opposite and talk about it. He just wasn't comfortable talking about Marissa, because every time he did, he remembered how she'd hurt Ryan. And, of course, the confession that night that Ryan had cheated on her, which was really confusing to him. It just seemed to unlike him.

And fourth point, the most entertaining by far, was what was going on in front of him. The girls had decided that Ryan needed a makeover, tee shirts apparently didn't cut it for senior year. Summer had declared that he, Seth, was completely hopeless and anyway, she wasn't inviting competition by trying to turn him into a hunk; he'd shown he couldn't handle positive attention in a mature fashion before. He hadn't argued, despite the insult to his maturity, as it let him out of the torture his brother was now going through.

''I'm not wearing this!'' Came the call from the changing room. They'd had to pick the one in the girl's section as the boy's was full. The red face Ryan was wearing as they explained matters to the clerk was a look Seth would remember forever. He wished he'd dared take a picture.

''What's the matter?'' Taylor asked, Summer picking through some …..well, girl's clothes. ''Doesn't it fit?''

''It's striped!'' He snickered at the outraged tone in the guy's voice. Oh yeah, this was great, best time he'd had shopping, ever.

''Be glad it isn't pink, Atwood.'' Summer called out to him. There was an offended silence. Seth grinned from his seat guarding the bags. Not only was this fun now, but he'd be using this for weeks to come, maybe months. He couldn't wait to tell his Dad.

''Do you think Ryan would like this?'' Taylor was holding a little top up to her chest. She bit her lip as Summer looked over contemplatively.

''Could you wear something like that, Tay?'' His girlfriend asked gently. The other girl sighed, put the clothing back. Okay, what was that about?

''No, not really.'' She seemed so depressed, fingering the fabric, Seth decided to risk drawing attention to himself and spoke. He knew from experience to not have confidence in one's appearance. Now that he was with Summer, he didn't care as long as she was happy with his look, but Taylor needed a confidence booster.

''Why not? I bet Ryan would like you in whatever you wore, and you seem to like ….'' He looked at Summer for help. ''What is that? A top? A blouse?''

''Never mind, Cohen.'' Summer waved him off. ''If you're not comfortable wearing it, Tay, it doesn't matter who likes it. No one should force you to be uneasy with what you're wearing.'' Ooops. He never should've doubted his girl's sense of style. He hoped he wouldn't hear about this later.

''Could you go back seventeen years and tell my mother that?'' Taylor commented softly, half to herself. There was a little silence. Seth felt like he did when Ryan made little remarks about life in Chino. What could they possibly say?

''Your mother's a stone-cold bitch who doesn't have any idea what she's talking about.'' Ryan's voice came from behind him. Kid Chino to the rescue, he thought, relieved. The girls were smiling at his brother, he thought the smiles were a little too wide for the situation. Then he turned around and saw the shirt.

The strips were narrow, and solid colored, not pastel; but…..The guy looked silly. Not clown level silly; more like a little boy who'd gotten into his dad's closet. His gay dad's closet, Seth thought with amusement. He bit the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing. Summer didn't even bother, she burst out giggling.

''All right, you were right about the stripes.'' Taylor was saying, waving Ryan back into the changing room. ''Solid colors from now on.'' His eyes narrowed suspiciously. ''No pink or pastels, I promise.'' Ryan nodded and went back inside.

''Oh, Summer.'' Taylor started to giggle, too. ''And here I was thinking he'd look good in anything.''

''He probably does.'' Summer returned, her disinterested tone made him smile to himself. He was so lucky. ''Just not that.'' They chatted about what clothes they should try for themselves and he let the conversation fade into a background buzz.

Seth had a dilemma. He was really liking Taylor, she was terrific, much better for his brother than Marissa the drama queen. Not that he was mentioning **that **opinion to his girlfriend. He was trying to keep the rage blackouts to a minimum, after all. Their new friend was fitting into their group like she'd always been there, connecting to each of them individually. He even thought his Dad was going to love her and his Mom…..his Mom would be thrilled as long as Ryan was happy. And that was his problem. Ryan seemed happy, really happy; but……

The conflict between his love and trust of his brother and the unethical behavior two months ago just couldn't be resolved. He'd seemed happy with Marissa, too, and he'd **cheated** on her. What if he cheated on Taylor, too? Two months ago, he'd have said it was absolutely impossible. Ryan Atwood was no Luke Ward. Now? He couldn't shake his doubts, couldn't convince himself that Ryan could be trusted on this. Especially since the guy wouldn't talk to him about it. If he cheated on Taylor, Seth knew, it would destroy her. It would be far more devastating than his bout with depression when he thought Summer and Zach had done the deed. He got a sense of innate strength of character in her, though; coupled with her obviously sensitive nature. She was so like his Summer that the two could've been sisters. She'd probably smile, and pretend to be okay; all the while she'd be dying inside. He didn't want to see it and didn't have the confidence he could prevent it.

''Atwood!'' The center of his universe called out. ''We're wai-ting.''

''Keep your shirt on, Roberts.'' Seth twitched when his friend's voice came from right behind him. The guy could really sneak up on you. And he'd thought **he** was stealth.

''wow.'' Taylor mumbled. He didn't see what was so amazing. Ryan was just wearing a dark blue button-down long-sleeved shirt. Nothing special. The girl was staring at him with huge, appreciative eyes. He felt his heart sink a little at the look. She was obviously pretty far gone. He had to talk to Ryan, STAT.

''It's okay.'' Ryan shrugged into the denim jacket Summer had insisted he try out, despite Taylor's protests she liked his leather look. ''Good?'' He was looking at Taylor for approval. She nodded emphatically. ''Good.'' He went back into the changing area.

''Oh, wow, okay, you were right about the denim.'' Taylor was pressing one hand to herself and fanning her face with the other hand. He started to bite his nails, something he hadn't done since puberty. How to get the guy alone without dragging him to the men's room, which was **so** not a place he wanted to have a private conversation in. Then his girl delivered him the perfect chance.

''Now we just need to get you that swimsuit you were talking about.'' Summer motioned Seth to pick up the bags. He grabbed at the opportunity.

''We'll meet you there, I'm not risking a hernia carrying this all by myself.'' He whined, giving her both the puppy eyes and a significant look. She frowned at him, then nodded a little. He loved their connection. Conveying with just a look didn't work with anyone else, more evidence they were meant for each other.

''Don't take all day, Cohen.'' Seth saluted, acknowledging the order and understanding that she was really saying; 'don't take so long Taylor gets suspicious'. ''C'mon Tay.''

''Okay, Summer.'' Taylor agreed happily, linking arms with his sweetie. ''Have I thanked you for giving me a cute nickname, yet? I've never really had one. At least, not one I'd want to **use**….'' The girls' voices faded as they made their way to the swimsuit area. Seth folded his hands together and tried to think out a plan of approach. He was still thinking when the other guy came out.

''Where's the girls?'' Ryan asked. He had two piles of clothes in his arms, and he handed the one with the striped monstrosity to the clerk at the changing room. He took the other stack to the cashier.

''They're meeting us somewhere else.'' Seth waited until Ryan had paid for his clothes and they'd split the bags up before he made his move. ''We need to talk.'' He was using his serious, Sandy Cohen voice. His brother sent him a startled look, then shrugged.

''Summer already gave me the big sister talk about hurting Taylor.'' Good move on his lady's part, Seth thought, but not enough.

''Didn't seem to work with Marissa.'' Ryan stopped and turned to face him, frowning. ''I'm just saying. What you did doesn't jive with who you are, or who I thought you were. I like Taylor a lot more than Marissa, don't tell Summer that, by the way; and I don't want to see her hurt. I can't ….''

''You don't trust me.'' Ryan declared flatly.

''I don't understand it!'' Seth lowered his voice immediately, seeing the looks they got. ''That's all. I just can't understand how you'd do that to someone you loved. Or even thought you loved. I could understand if it was a new girl you decided you loved more, but I thought you'd break up with Marissa first, in that case; and this one-night hook up thing is just…''

''How do you think I lost my virginity?'' Ryan interrupted, moving over to a section with really fancy dresses, practically deserted. Seth trailed along after him, a little confused by the apparent change of subject.

''I never really thought about it, I just assumed it was with Theresa. Y'know, your girlfriend….'' Ryan was shaking his head. Oh, he prayed this wasn't too terrible a story. ''Okay, so hopefully not a bad experience?''

''Depends on how you define bad.'' He held up a hand when Seth opened his mouth. ''Let me finish. In Chino, I didn't really **date**. It was all about the sex. Even Theresa was more…..'friends with benefits' than a girlfriend. She was there, she was willing….'' He shrugged, eyes dark and a little ashamed. ''It felt good and was something that I didn't have to put too much thought into.''

''You didn't love…..not any of them?'' Seth was sickened. Sex without love? He couldn't wrap his head around the concept, despite all the popular culture trying to say it was a good thing. One look at Ryan's face told him it wasn't. His first, fumbling attempts with Summer suddenly seemed the most beautiful thing in the world.

''Getting involved in Chino …..wasn't a good idea. People get hurt, and I'm just not talking about the drive-bys. There's girls there that make Julie look like an amateur.'' Seth was surprised. There were more manipulative women than Julie Cooper-Nichol? God, he hoped he never ran into any, he'd be such dead meat.

''So when Marissa started acting like her mom…'' Seth was starting to put it together. It was so obvious, now. He was ashamed he'd ever doubted his brother's integrity.

''It was more than that.'' Ryan dropped his gaze to his feet, shifting the bags in his hands. ''It was Kirsten and Trey and…..just, everything all at once. I….I just needed feel something **else**, something I could understand…..''

''Something easy that felt good.'' He whispered, finally getting it. No wonder he hadn't wanted to talk about. It must've seemed like a betrayal of how far he'd come from his Chino roots and the angry, violent young man he'd been. They stood in silence, not looking at each other. This had gone a lot better than he thought, but he had one more touchy subject to broach. ''Does Taylor know?''

''Yeah.'' Ryan smiled at him, shrugging. ''Girl knows everything. Don't know how I'm gonna keep her interested.''

''Oh, I don't think you're gonna have a problem with that, my brother.'' Seth assured him, leading the way to the swimsuit section. ''She was practically drooling over you when you came out of the changing room. Not to mention she thinks you're funny, which I think is a sign of insanity, myself….''

''Seth.'' There was a slightly panicked note to the guy's voice and he looked over to see him stopped dead at the edge of the section. ''Tell me this isn't where we're meeting the girls.''

''Why?'' He searched the slightly empty area and decided the girls must be in the changing rooms against the far wall. Ryan muttered something under his breath in Spanish that sounded suspiciously like a prayer and followed. Seth noticed his eyes daring around, like he was trying to find an escape route. ''What's the matter?''

''Nothing.'' Ryan grunted. Typical response, Seth thought. Good to know some things never change. Summer was waiting for them in front of the changing area. She looked angelic, as always, besides her slightly evil expression. When she saw them, she waved, turning her head to speak to someone just inside the door. Ryan was muttering to himself again when Taylor stepped out. Seth distinctly heard the other guy's breath catch.

''Hey, Taylor.'' Seth greeted casually, unimpressed by the suit she was wearing. He couldn't help it, every girl but Summer was just a girl. Not that he didn't notice; it was just that, in his opinion, Summer outshone the sun. ''Summer.'' He smiled at his girlfriend then looked at Taylor with an artist's eye, knowing that his girl would understand the difference.

She was shorter than he thought, Seth realized, only an inch or so taller than Summer, maybe. Her and Summer both had that look of delicate beauty belying the strength underneath. She was wearing a red one piece, the fabric shimmering as it clung tightly to every curve. She was showing less cleavage for most of Newport, but more than she usually did, by the faded tan line. The two shoulder straps tied snugly behind her neck, her hair draped over her right shoulder. It was a look Ryan apparently appreciated, as he sucked in a shuddering breath.

''Hey, Ryan. What do you think?'' Taylor turned around to show the back. Ryan let out the breath in one startled burst. There was no fabric until you got to her butt, which was decently covered, he thanked Jesus and Moses. He didn't think Ryan could handle a thong, not from the staggered breathing coming from next to him.

''You can't wear that.'' It sounded like someone was strangling his brother. He looked over and saw, to his delight, that the guy was staring at Taylor like a snake stared at a bird. He'd never even stared at Marissa with that hypnotic intensity. Seth got the feeling if he brought up the ex at this moment; Ryan's only response would be an honest 'Marissa who?' as he continued to stare at the new fourth to their set.

''Don't you like it?'' Taylor pouted her lip at him over her bare left shoulder. Good move, Seth recognized it and shot Summer a delighted look. She smiled at him in complete complicity. Ryan licked his lips, swallowing.

''That's the problem.'' He declared, voice hoarse.

''Oh, good, I'm glad you like it.'' Taylor spun back around and tossed her hair over her shoulder to lay neatly down her back. ''And look…'' She ran a hand down her stomach and Seth actually heard the guy whimper. ''It's even red!'' She went back into the dressing room., Summer following her with a mocking little wave.

''Don't worry, man.'' Seth clapped his brother on the shoulder in commiseration. ''We'll keep the water in the pool **real** cold.'' He burst out laughing at Ryan's response.

''Antarctica doesn't have water that cold.''

_Roll credits. _


End file.
